You know you’re a writer when one of the first things you think after a breakup is, “I could turn this into a blog post.”
It’s taken me about three months to get to the point where I felt I could write the post I wanted to — an article sharing tips for other INFJs going through heartbreak. I was quite certain I would get through this heartbreak eventually, but I wasn’t going to write this post until I felt like I had some good things to share with you.
When INFJs finally let someone in (not an easy thing for us to do), we tend to become very attached to them. We “map” them into our inner world so being with them is almost as relaxing/energizing as being alone. We rearrange our lives to make room for them. We start to consider their needs, wants, and desires as equally (or even more) important as our own. So when a relationship like that ends (whether it’s dating, marriage, or even a close friendship) it leaves a huge hole in our lives.
In some ways, of course, that’s true for everyone who really cares about someone and then loses that relationship. Today, though, I’m just focusing on one personality type. We INFJs don’t let many people in, and losing a close relationship often feels like being cut lose from an anchor. Especially if we still care about the person deeply (rather than in the case of an emotionless door slam).
1) Look To Something Outside You
While not every INFJ is religious, most of us are spiritual in one sense or another. A fairly high percentage believe in a higher power and even those who don’t usually believe in some kind of ideal that transcends just themselves, such as a belief that people are inherently good or that the human race can learn to live in peace.
Looking to the something which gives us hope can be incredibly helpful for INFJs who feel overwhelmed by heartache. For me, as a Christian INFJ, prayer was the first place I turned for comfort. The song “I Am Not Alone” by Kari Jobe anchored me to my faith the day after my break-up. And when I could focus enough to read, Psalm 77 and Psalm 116 were there to comfort me.
2) Talk With People
It’s not always easy for INFJs to open up about our heartbreak. And if we’re dealing with feelings of unworthiness, we might even assume no one would want to comfort us. But one of the most encouraging things to come out of my breakup is the realization that my support system is even stronger than I’d expected.
In the days after my breakup, I talked with my family and spent 3 hours on the phone with one of my best friends. I worked up the courage to let some of my church family in on what was going on and received hugs, comfort, and good advice. I hope you, too, can feel safe opening up to some of the people in your life and that they prove they want to be there for you just as much as you’d be there for them if they were hurting.
3) Get Some Help
I wouldn’t say every INFJ needs counseling after a breakup (or whatever it was that caused your heartbreak). But if there’s something else going on as well or if the circumstances of your heartbreak are particularly trying, it might be a good idea to talk with a counselor.
I’d started seeing someone about my anxiety a couple weeks before my breakup and my counselor and I happened to have a session scheduled the day after my boyfriend and I broke up. We got a bit side-tracked from working on my anxiety for a couple weeks, but it has been helpful to have her there while I’m trying to work through all my confusing, messy feelings. It’s taken a few months, but I’m really starting to feel like I’m healing and we’re making progress.
4) Research Your Heartbreak
We INFJs like research. Our Introverted Intuition loves putting patterns together, and tertiary Introverted Thinking wants a logical explanation for the things we observe. And when we’re going through something stressful, it’s not uncommon to go into an Ni-Ti loop where we obsessively look for answers.
It might help an INFJ to read books about grief or articles about the science behind breakups. Helen Fisher, a senior research fellow at the Kinsey Institute and author of Anatomy of Love says that love acts on our brains like an addiction and breakups trigger a form of withdrawal. Understanding that sort of thing can help an INFJ accept what they’re going through is “normal” and isn’t going to permanently define their lives.
5) Give Yourself Time
When you lose someone who’s an important part of your life it’s not something you’re going to get over quickly. And that’s okay. It’s important to give yourself time to grieve. We usually think of grief as something you go through after someone dies, but any loss can prompt grief. I didn’t really think about this until my counselor pointed out that I was going through a grieving process after the breakup (I spent a lot of time in the Bargaining stage).
While it important to work through your heartbreak so you can move on, you don’t have to grieve according to anyone else’s timeline. And you don’t have to grieve in the exact same way as other people. For example, the article I mentioned about love as an addiction suggests that you shouldn’t journal about your ex. But for INFJs, it might be worse to push down or ignore the thoughts swirling in our heads. Talking with someone or writing down what’s going on in your head as your brain tries to make sense of what happened is often the best way for INFJs to move on rather than become obsessive.
If you liked this post, check out my updated/expanded article on this topic over on Psychology Junkie: “How to Heal From Heartbreak as an INFJ Personality Type”
Like An Anchor 
Marissa, thank you for your honesty but also sharing the science behind why us INFJs act like we do. It explains why I am reluctant to let new people into my life – the fear of potential heartbreak. Your words give me hope to try again
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thanks Jo 🙂
LikeLike
Hello Marissa, I am at a loss. What’s the meaning of INFJs? Pardon my ignorance.
LikeLike
INFJ is one of the 16 personality types in the Myers-Briggs system. The letters stand for Introvert, iNtuition, Feeling, and Judging. Here’s a good article that explains the basics of the Myers-Briggs system: https://www.psychologyjunkie.com/2015/07/24/what-is-the-mbti-an-intro-for-beginners/
If you want to take a test to discover your personality type, I recommend the one from Personality Hacker. You can find it here: https://personalityhacker.com/genius-personality-test/
LikeLike
Thank you.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hey girl, this was awesome! Thanks for sharing. I’m an INFJ myself, so I could definitely relate to this. Would love to hear more of your testimony! My blog is all about encouraging women, and if you have a testimony to share that I could feature on my blog, please contact me via my contact page at https://softcoverheart.blog/ !!!
Blessings, and hope to hear from you,
Leah
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you, Leah. I love what I’ve read on your blog and would love to contribute something. I’ll be getting in touch with you soon 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hi Marissa,
I am INFJ going through heartbreak at the same time. I just wanted to share that focusing on my daily relationship with God has been the great game changer for me in respect of healing and being changed in a positive way… and then as I started to heal I have taken up more opportunities to help other people in daily life and that has brought me great comfort. Talking on the phone with friends was of great service to me when my head was filled with stories about the relationship and anguish over it ending. I liked to hear people talk about their issues, day, mundane matters, it helped me detach from trying to “solve” my problem. Over all the main learning I have had is that INFJ’s can make their partner almost a part of themselves, and really neglect all other relationships with friends, family community because their partner satisfies any need for companionship. The big awakening was when I realized how SELFISH that had been of me and how living so co-dependently cut me off from other people and from God. These days my life is far more balanced and fulfilling and I feel so grateful.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hi Claire,
Thanks for your comment 🙂 I’m so happy to hear about how focusing on your relationship with God has helped you find balance and fulfillment following your relationship ending. That’s been a huge help for me as well. It’s wonderful to be in relationship with the Lord and know that no matter what other people might do He’s never going to abandon us.
I identify with much of what you write here. Talking with friends helps me, too. It’s such a blessing to have people in our lives we can trust and confide in, isn’t it?
What you said about INFJs making their partner a part of themselves is something I’ve been thinking of lately, too. I’ve been realizing that my ex-boyfriend became a much bigger part of my identity than I’d thought at first. It feels strange that after just 9 months with him I’m now struggling to re-discover who I am without him.
LikeLike
Hi Marissa,
I’m an INFJ going through my first heartbreak. The hardest part about this is that I can’t see myself with anyone else. I don’t want anyone else. I simply can’t imagine opening up to another guy.
-Red Zillennial
LikeLike
That is so hard 😦 It took me about 4 months before I really started to think I might be able to move on with someone else. Give yourself some time to heal. You don’t have to pressure yourself to move on (or even think about moving on) right away.
LikeLike
Interesting and insightful post! I have never had to deal with a romantic heartbreak of a sort, but I did have a friendship sour. That was two years ago and I still have nightmares about the friend. Yup, I feel like I’m always looking for something deeper…and as a Christian I know that the world will not satisfy, only God will. And how true that is. Thanks a ton for writing this article! You’re a great writer!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks! Having a friendship go bad can be heartbreaking. I’m sorry that happened to you 😦
LikeLiked by 1 person
Im struggly so much right now. This post helped me feel less alone. I’m in so much pain it’s only been two days but my heart is in pieces. Sadly I have a 1 year old with this man and have to still see him and still live together. As I lay in bed a room away my life has shifted severely. I lost the love of my life and my family unit. This man has also been diagnosed to be on the spectrum of psychopath. Empathyless brutaly uncaring he is carrying on happily. Finding out I’m an INFJ is a blessing and a curse. My over loving heart seems to be permanently broken.
LikeLike
I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through. That’s such a difficult situation to be in and I can only imagine a little bit of how much it hurts. You’re not alone, though, and I hope and pray that your broken heart will heal
LikeLike
Marissa, thank you for this post. I am an INFJ who also recently experienced my first heartbreak. I had never dated anyone and then entered into a 10 month relationship with an ISFJ. What made this breakup especially painful is that we had been seriously moving towards marriage.
I so resonated with what you said in this post. My faith has been my rock during this time. I also have really pushed into my community for support… something I often avoid during hard times. It has been encouraging to see the support system that is there.
Through reading your blog I’ve learned that we both struggle with social anxiety… one of the biggest things I’m working on is allowing this experience to push me forward in conquering anxiety rather than hold me back. I’m inspired by the healing that you are pursuing in your life. Keep it up!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m so sorry for the hurt that you’re facing, Hannah, and glad you’re not facing it alone. I pray you will find a way for this experience to help you conquer your anxiety, face your fears, and find true healing. Thank you so much for your kind words about my post ❤
LikeLiked by 1 person