There’s a deep scriptural connection between thankfulness and grace. While it’s obvious that we should be thankful for God’s grace, what’s not so obvious in English is how closely the two concepts are linked by the Greek language that God picked for writing the New Testament. Here’s an example:
the service of this ministry is not only supplying the needs of the saints, but also is overflowing through many expressions of thanksgiving (eucharistia) to God. Through the proven character of this service they will glorify God because of the submission of your confession to the gospel of Christ and the generosity of your participation toward them and toward everyone, and they are longing for you in their prayers for you, because of the surpassing grace (charis) of God to you. Thanks (charis) be to God for his indescribable gift! (2 Cor. 9:12-15, LEB)
The Greek word charis (G5485) is typically translated “grace.” We usually define it as “unmerited favor.” It can also indicate what grace causes – joy, favor, gratification, acceptance, benefits, thanks, and gratitude. It’s etymological relatives eucharistos (G2170), eucharisteo (G2168), and eucharistia (G2169) are the words for thanks, thankfulness, and thanksgiving.
Direction of Grace
As I read through the Bible verses where charis appears, a pattern emerges in the translations. If charis is shown by God to man we call it grace (e.g. John 1:16-17). If charis is shown by man toward God we call it thanks (e.g. 1 Cor. 15:57). If charis is shown between men it’s a favor or credit (Luke 6:32-34; Acts 24:27), thanks (Luke 17:9), or occasionally a chance to minister grace (Eph. 4:29).
Receiving the grace of God should make us respond with something so similar, so closely connected, it can be called by the same word, charis. More commonly, though, “thanks” is translated from a word made by combining “eu” and “charis.” The word eu (G2095) means “good” or “well.” Literally, the combined word means “well favored,” though we usually take the implied meaning “to be grateful” or “thankful” (Strong’s on G2170, eucharistos). (more…)
When we talk about psychological functions in Myers-Briggs® types, the tertiary function often gets over looked. Usually, we talk about the two that we use most often or about the inferior function that usually shows up under stress. These three functions are hugely important. Our dominant and co-pilot processes need to work together for us to have healthy, balanced personalities. And we need to understand the inferior function so we’re better equipped to recognize and deal with how we react to stressful situations. But the tertiary function is also important.
The tertiary function is also called the “relief function.” In Personality Hacker’s car model (affiliate link), they call it the 10-year-old because that’s the level of maturity this function typically has. Psychologist John Beebe named it the “Eternal Child” after one of Carl Jung’s archetypes. Though we don’t talk about this function nearly as much as some of the others, it’s also a key part of our personality. Understanding the tertiary function, and how it relates to the other functions, can really help us understand ourselves.
Growth And The Functions
In terms of typology, personal growth happens when we’re using both our introverted and our extroverted sides, as well as our judging and perceiving sides. Working to find a balance between our dominant and co-pilot processes leads to growth and change because we’re exercising all these aspects of our personality. (more…)
Before we can become the best versions of ourselves and have a right view of ourselves, we have to recognize our true value. The world will tell you that your relationship with yourself is the most important relationship you have, and that increasing your self-esteem will correct any problems you have with feeling like you’re not enough in some way. But following that advice isn’t deeply satisfying because I think deep down we all realize that we can’t assign value to ourselves.
That begs the question, “Who can assign value to you?” Other people, society, or impersonal metrics aren’t good measures either. The only satisfactory answer is God. Only the Creator can assign value to His creation. He knows what He created you for and who He created you to be, and therefore only He can declare how valuable you truly are.
Testing Where To Look For Value
We’ve been talking about Ecclesiastes here on this blog for a couple week now (click here to read “Crash Course in Ecclesiastes” and here for “Letting Death Give Us Perspective On Life“). One of the things that Solomon does in this book is present an in-depth analysis of all the different places that we can look for value.
Solomon experiments with finding value in his own wisdom, in pleasure, in wealth, in fine works, in great power, and in the legacy you leave for future generations. But he describes it all as “vanity” (hebel, H1892) — a transitory, unsatisfactory thing. As we modern people read through Ecclesiastes, we often label Solomon as depressed (probably accurate) and having low self-esteem. But Solomon himself doesn’t describe the problem as not esteeming himself enough. He knows the self isn’t a good place to look for value, and he wants something or someone else to give life meaning and tell him his purpose.
As Solomon works though his existential crisis, he concludes that meaning can only be found in God. God is the one who sets everything in motion and the only one with an accurate perspective on His plan (Ecc. 3:1-15). He’s in heaven and we’re on earth, so we need to be wary of jumping to conclusions about things we know nothing about (Ecc. 5:1-7). In the end, everything boils down to our duty to fear God and keep His commandments (Ecc. 12:13-14). That’s the key to understanding who we are and where our value lies. (more…)
What fictional characters do you relate to as an ISFJ?
Just as we can describe real people using the Myers-Briggs® typology system, we can also use the system to type well-written fictional characters. Some of fiction’s most iconic characters are ISFJs, and today we’re going to talk about seven of them that I think real-life ISFJs will find very relatable.
One of the other great things about looking at character personality types is that it can help those us to better understand people who have different types than we do. Fictional ISFJs can serve as examples for what real-life ISFJs can be like, and also show how much variation there can be between individuals with the same type. (more…)
It’s always puzzled me why so many people think of Ecclesiastes as depressing. For me as a teenager, it provided a map for navigating my way out of depression. Of course, I’m not saying it’s a magic cure for mental illness, but if you’re struggling with questions about the meaning of life or frustrated with how pointless it all seems, this book can provide a great deal of hope.
The book of Ecclesiastes contains the reflections of a deep thinker who works through an existential crisis. This sort of crisis happens when an individual starts to question whether their life (or life in general) has any purpose, meaning, or value. Solomon wrestled with these questions and records his thoughts for us to learn, as he did, that true meaning and purpose can only be found in God.
Ecclesiastes is one of those books that it’s not a good idea to read isolated pieces from. That’s one way you end up thinking there are few spiritual lessons in this book or misinterpreting its message. The whole thing is interconnected, with layers of thoughts building on each other as Solomon goes back and forth asking questions and contemplating possible answers. It’s vital that we look at this piece of writing as a whole before we start to dive deep into individual passages.
Cycles of Futility …
“Vanity of vanities,” says the Preacher; “Vanity of vanities, all is vanity” (Ecc. 1:2 , unless otherwise noted, all quotes are from the WEB version). Thus the book of Ecclesiastes opens, and Solomon will repeat this phrase throughout and in the conclusion (Ecc. 12:8). He presents everything in life as vanity, or hebel (H1892) — a vapor/breath; a transitory or unsatisfactory thing. That might seem like a depressing outlook, but can you really look at the world and say he’s wrong? Do things of this life last? Do they make sense? Is this world satisfying? Not on its own.
All things are full of weariness beyond uttering. The eye is not satisfied with seeing, nor the ear filled with hearing. That which has been is that which shall be; and that which has been done is that which shall be done: and there is no new thing under the sun.
Ecclesiastes 1:8-9, WEB
With a few thousand more years of history to look back on than Solomon had, we can see the truth of these statements. Nothing really changes. We’re not advancing toward a utopia. People just keep making the same mistakes over and over again, which looks to Solomon like cycles of futility and meaninglessness. Oh, there are technology advances and improvements in our lives, but people stay the same.
… Become Cycles of Hope
Having come to this conclusion about life, Solomon tries to resolve his existential crisis by looking for some kind of meaning. He says, “I applied my heart to seek and to search out by wisdom concerning all that is done under the sky” (Ecc. 1:13). He indulged in all sorts of sensory pleasures, amassed wealth, and created created great things but it was also vanity.
Next, he tried out wisdom and folly to compare the two, and found “that wisdom excels folly as far as light excels darkness” (Ecc. 2:13). But the wise and foolish both die. They can’t keep what they worked for or guarantee what they leave behind will have any effect. At this point, Solomon “hated life” and says, “I began to cause my heart to despair concerning all the labor which I had labored” (Ecc. 2:17, 20). Even realizing that you can have wisdom, knowledge, and joy in your life if you please God seems to him like “vanity and chasing after wind” (Ecc. 2:26). But now we come to the first part of Solomon’s ruminations where he glimpses hope.
For everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven … He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in their hearts, yet so that man can’t find out the work that God has done from the beginning even to the end.
Ecclesiastes 3: 1, 11, WEB
Solomon realizes that God is the one who made the cycles of time. What Solomon initially saw as hopeless repetition he now recognizes as beautiful (Ecc. 3:1-11). Solomon sees that it is a gift from God that we can do good and enjoy this life. He knows that God has a plan in place and that the righteous and wicked will be judged (Ecc. 3:12-17).
Existential crises aren’t that easy to resolve, though, and Solomon still has questions. He’s accepted that God has a purpose for how the world keeps on turning. He knows that this life can be seen as a gift. but what about after you die? In Ecc. 3:18-22, Solomon concludes that humans die just like animals, and who knows whether their spirits really go to different places? Maybe this life is all we have and we should just make the most of it.
But that’s not a satisfactory answer either, since not everyone gets to enjoy this life. People oppress each other, and the oppressed have no comfort. People envy each other, live lonely lives, and there’s no end to the people who keep being born and dying in this fallen world. Solomon even suggests it would be better to never be born than to live and see all the evil that fills this world (Ecc. 4:1-16).
Immediately, the conversation turns. Solomon says, “Don’t be rash with your mouth and don’t let you heart be hasty to utter anything before God” (Ecc. 5:2). Perhaps he knows that’s what he’d been doing, as his thoughts ran away with fears and questions.
Don’t allow your mouth to lead you into sin. … For in the multitude of dreams there are vanities, as well as in many words: but you must fear God.
Ecclesiastes 5:6-7, WEB
Solomon knows God has a plan and the times are in His hands — he just needs to find a way to trust Him. He desperately wants to make sense of what’s going on in his life, in the world, and in the afterlife (if there is one).
Letting Death Give Us Perspective
Even with this reminder not to jump to hasty conclusions, Solomon continues to struggle. Everything people strive for in this life still seems futile to him. Sure you can enjoy it in this life, but you can’t take it with you when you go. Then we come to another major turning point in Solomon’s thought process. Instead of seeing death as the thing which robs life of meaning, he proposes that we use death to give us perspective on life. There truly is value in a good life well-lived and there is a future worth striving for. I talked about this section of Ecclesiastes in-depth last week, so if you haven’t read it yet here’s a link: “Letting Death Give Us Perspective On Life.”
As we continue in chapter 7, Solomon counsels to avoid extremes. Even a good thing like wisdom can drive you crazy if you “make yourself overly wise” (Ecc. 7:11-2, 16). We can’t make sense of everything or know the future (7:23-25). “There is no man who has power over the spirit to contain the spirit; neither does he have power over the day of death” (Ecc. 8:8). Because this is true we need to beware of hasty judgements, offenses, and conclusions. Rather, focus on fearing God (Ecc. 7:18).
Though a sinner commits crimes a hundred times, and lives long, yet surely I know that it will be better with those who fear God, who are reverent before him. But it shall not be well with the wicked, neither shall he lengthen days like a shadow; because he doesn’t fear God.
The latter part of chapter 8 and into chapter 9 seems like a step backward. Solomon was talking about it being “better with those that fear God” but then he remembers “that there are righteous men to whom it happens according to the work of the wicked. Again, there are wicked men to whom it happens according to the work of the righteous” (Ecc. 8:14). This frustrating situation sends Solomon right back to commending mirth, then reapplying his heart to wisdom trying to figure things out (8:15-16).
He concludes that “man can’t find out” the work of God no matter how much he seeks it, nor comprehend God’s plan and thoughts even if he is wise (Ecc. 8:17-9:1). Solomon even starts to question whether there’s purpose in death or not because he’s still wrestling with the fact that the same things happen to both righteous and wicked people (9:2-6).
I think most (if not all) of us can relate to this. Just because we think we’ve figured something out doesn’t mean nothing will shake our faith. Gross injustice, friends who die too young, tragic health trials — they can all make us question the frame through which we see the world. The fact that Solomon keeps going back and forth, asking the same questions and wrestling with the answers makes him very relatable.
Life’s Absurd, Enjoy It Anyway
We’re approaching the end of the book now and Solomon presents a revised conclusion: that we should live life to the fullest even though it’s absurd. We can’t predict the future, we can’t control anything, and we’ll be better off if we just live well and try not to overthink things (Ecc. 9:7-12).
Of course, overthinking things is something we humans are very good at. Solomon continues comparing wisdom and folly, and continues coming up against the conclusion that wisdom is far better. Chapter 10 reads much like part of Proverbs, and it leads into the final conclusions of Ecclesiastes.
Practice wisdom. Remember “you don’t know the words of God who does all.” Don’t get distracted or complacent. Keep working and living (Ecc. 11:5-6). Balance is key — rejoice in all your years but also “remember the days of darkness” that help give perspective. Remember that “God will bring you into judgement” for all you do, so put off both sorrow and evil (Ecc. 11:8-10). He’s now speaking most pointedly to young people, urging them to “remember your Creator” today, before life gets harder or trials come or you grow old and full of regrets (Ecc. 12:1-6).
Here at the end is where Solomon finally answers his earlier question, “Who know the spirit of man, whether it goes upward?” (Ecc. 3:21).
Remember also your Creator in the days of your youth … before the silver cord is severed, or the golden bowl is broken, or the pitcher is broken at the spring, or the wheel broken at the cistern, and the dust returns to the earth as it was, and the spirit returns to God who gave it.
Ecclesiastes 12:1, 6-7, WEB
Solomon has reached the point where he has a confident assurance that there is life after death and God will sort-out everything that doesn’t make sense now. I suspect, and Matthew Henry’s commentary agrees, that Solomon wrote this in old age, hoping that his young audience would heed his wisdom without feeling the need to themselves experiment with life as he did.
Solomon shared what he learned from wresting with questions and doubts so others wouldn’t have to. This also seems to be when he put together the book of Proverbs (Ecc. 12:9-10). As Ecclesiastes wraps up, he admonishes young people not to study too widely, for not all the information out there is good (12:11-12). Better to stick with “the words of the wise” which “have been given by one Shepherd” (Ecc. 12:11, TLV).
This is the end of the matter. All has been heard. Fear God, and keep his commandments; for this is the whole duty of man. For God will bring every work into judgment, with every hidden thing, whether it is good, or whether it is evil.
Ecclesiastes 12:13-14, WEB
It’s so nice to have such a straight-forward conclusion at the end of such a deep, complex book. Here, Solomon tells us in no uncertain terms what the point of Ecclesiastes is. From it, we’re to learn that fearing God and keeping his commandments is man’s whole duty and that God will judge all our works.
I have lots of thoughts about love. Am I a relationship expert? no. Do I have much experience with romantic relationships? not really. But I’ve read an awful lot of books on relationships, written romances, talked at length with people who’ve had successful (and otherwise) relationships, and thought about it a great deal. In short, I fit David Keirsey’s description of NF personality types as people who are “in love with love.”
So of course when a friend shared a talk on Facebook called “Why You Will Marry The Wrong Person” by British philosopher and author Alain de Botton, I had to watch it. I think I skimmed de Botton’s article by the same name quite a while ago, but sitting down and listening to this talk prompted a whole lot of thoughts that I wanted to write about. Here’s the video:
Managing Expectations
“It is in fact hope that drives rage. … If we’re to get a little less angry about our love lives we will have to diminish some of our hopes.” — Alain de Botton
If you read the post from two days ago, then you know I already touched on unreasonable expectations in my post “5 Relationship Problems INFJs Often Struggle With.” Those of us (not just INFJ types) with particular romantic ideals and good imaginations might struggle with it more, but the issue of romantic hopes and dreams not matching reality affects everyone.
One of de Botton’s main points is that your will marry the wrong person because our idea of “the right person” doesn’t exist. By and large, we don’t have realistic ideas about what it means to find the right person or even how to love. We need to shift our expectations in the realm of romance. Maybe instead of looking for the ‘right’ or ‘perfect’ person, we should consider it a success when we, in de Botton’s words, “manage to find a good enough person.”
“We are basically, psychologically quite strange. We don’t normally know very much about this strangeness. It takes us a long, long time before we’re really on top of the way in which we are hard to live with.” — Alain de Botton
As de Botton says, if you’re human you’re hard to live with. But he also says most of us are blind to the hows and whys. That might be true, but as someone who lives with anxiety I’m also quite certain I’m not easy to live with. I might not know everything that’s wrong with me. I’m probably missing some of the real reasons that I’m hard to live with and have blown other things out of proportion. But my anxiety tells me over and over again that there’s something wrong with me and people won’t, or shouldn’t, want to be around me.
“We tend to believe that true love means accepting the whole of us. It doesn’t. No one should accept the whole of us, we’re appalling.” — Alain de Botton
The way de Botton phrases this bothers me because I know that living with the idea “I’m appalling/ broken/ worthless” isn’t healthy, psychologically. I think the goal should be to arrive at a more balanced view of yourself. Maybe de Botton thought most of his audience needed to be told they’re appalling to help get them closer to balance, but I also think there are people who hear “you’re appalling” way too much (from self and others). What we really need to hear is that we’re worthy of love even though “in everyone, and of course in ourselves, there is that which requires forbearance, tolerance, forgiveness” (to quote C.S. Lewis in The Four Loves).
Extreme Vulnerability
I’m a big fan of Brené Brown and love the work she does on shame and vulnerability. I know vulnerability is a vital part of human connection and I believe that it’s a good thing. Still, the part of de Botton’s talk where he discussed the vulnerability needed to create a good romantic relationship bothered me.
“We get into these patterns of not daring what we really need to do … [which is to say ] ‘I’m actually a small child inside and I need you.’ This is so humbling most of us refuse to make that step and therefore refuse the challenge of love.” — Alain de Botton
I’m not sure about this one. Yes, extreme vulnerability is needed to build relationships, but I’m also wondering isn’t it better to approach a relationship from a place of I could survive without you, but I really want you in my life rather than I desperately need you? Although, to be fair, he probably isn’t talking about the kind of “need you” that goes along with something like insecure attachment styles.
I also wonder if my qualms about this part of his talk might be more about some of my personal experiences and my fear of being seen as “clingy.” I don’t want to say ‘I need someone’ while I’m single because I don’t want to be that person who’s just all wrapped up in finding a relationship. Even in a relationship, though, I don’t want to say ‘I need you’ because it feels like weakness. I really do feel like I’m a small child inside and I need someone, but there’s also part of me that hates this side of myself.
But shouldn’t asking for what we want and need feel like (and be) something that’s okay to do? I suppose I’m going to have to (somewhat reluctantly) agree with de Botton on this point.
Learning How To Love
I do really like de Botton’s description of love as a skill that needs to be learned. It’s a sad thing that in the world today we’re constantly told love just “happens” or that it’s all about emotion. If that were the case, romance should be pretty easy but it’s not. And because we don’t think of love as a skill or something that requires hard work, we keep trying to find love that “feels good” or where we’re magically compatible. It’s no wonder that we’re continually disappointed.
“To love ultimately is to have the willingness to interpret someone’s on the surface not very appealing behavior in order to find more benevolent reasons why it may be unfolding. In other words, to love someone is to provide charity and generosity of interpretation.” — Alain de Botton
“True psychological maturity … is the capacity to recognize that anyone you love is going to be a mixture of the good and the bad. Love is not just admiration for strength. It’s also tolerance for weakness and recognition of ambivalence.” — Alain de Botton
Love is about so much more than just how we feel. It is an action and a choice. This reminds me of one of the questions that comes up quite often in the personality type community: “Which type is a good fit for me romantically?” The often unsatisfying answer is “any of them.” Oh, there are some types that tend to get along better with each other but type really isn’t a good predictor of which relationships will work out. It’s much more important to find someone who will work to understand you and whom you’re willing to work to understand than to find someone of a “compatible” type.
“Quite a lot about our early experiences of love are bound up with various kinds of suffering. … We think we’re out to find partners who will make us happy, but we’re not. We’re out to find partners who will feel familiar. And that may be a very different thing. Because familiarity may be bound up with particular kinds of torture. .. [We may reject people because they will] not be able to make us suffer in the way we need to suffer in order to feel that love is real.” — Alain de Botton
I’ve been pondering this part of de Botton’s talk for days. Is it true in general? Is it true for me? It reminds me of something my ex-boyfriend said about what I think I “deserve” in love, which I don’t want to go into detail about but has been bugging me since he brought it up. I don’t have an answer as to whether or not we’re looking for lovers who will hurt us in all the ways that feel familiar from other people we’ve loved.
However, I do think that as a general rule often times what we’re looking for romantically isn’t necessarily what would be best for us. This goes back to the idea that we’re looking for someone who will just accept and understand us, when in reality we all have parts of ourselves that are hard to live with. We should really be looking for someone who will help us become a better person and with whom we can build compatibility (more on that in a moment).
“You probably believe that when somebody tries to tell you something about yourself that’s a little ticklish and a little uncomfortable that they’re attacking us. They’re not; they’re trying to make you into a better person. And we don’t tend to believe this has a role in love.” — Alain de Botton
I think you should look for someone who loves who you are so much that they want you to grow into an even better version of yourself. They’ll also want you to do that for yourself as much (or more) than they want you to do it for them.
I want to make sure and note, though, that this is a very different thing than someone who tries to manipulate and/or change you “for your own good.” No other human being has the right to decide what’s good for you or mold you into something you’re not. Someone who really loves you will help you grow as yourself, not make you change into what they want.
“You cannot have perfection and company. To be in company with another person is to be negotiating imperfection every day. … We are all incompatible. But it is the work of love to make us graciously accommodate each other and ourselves to each others incompatibilities, and therefore compatibility is an achievement of love.” — Alain de Botton
I absolutely love this perspective on love and compatibility. Love is so much more than something we find or fall into. If you want a “soulmate,” then you need to find one person who is “good enough” and commit to building a soulmate relationship with them.
“Compromise is noble. We compromise in every area of live, there’s no reason why we shouldn’t compromise in our love life. … Let’s look a bit more benevolently at the art of compromise. It’s a massive achievement in love.” — Alain de Botton
