Introverts need people. This isn’t something you’ll hear about very often, though. Most of the time, you’ll either hear people who are critical of introverts complaining about how unsociable we are or you’ll hear introverts talking about how much we dislike being around other people.
Humans are social creatures, however. We have different preferences for how much and in what ways we socialize, but we all need other people. Being an introvert doesn’t mean you hate people. It just means that you’re born with a trait that makes you prefer the internal world. It means you re-charge better in quiet, low-stimulation environments, not that you do well in social isolation.
It’s no exaggeration to say that isolation can be deadly. Living in loneliness has a serious impact on our health. In fact, “The increased mortality risk is comparable to that from smoking. And loneliness is about twice as dangerous as obesity. Social isolation impairs immune function and boosts inflammation, which can lead to arthritis, type II diabetes, and heart disease” (“Loneliness Is Deadly” by Jessica Olien). And that’s just the physical health risks. Loneliness also damages our mental and emotional health, often leading to issues like increased stress, depression, and alcoholism (“The Dangers of Loneliness by Hara Estroff Marano).
So what’s an introvert to do? If you don’t like typical social events or groups, how do you avoid the mental and physical health risks of loneliness while also honoring your introverted nature?
This list includes tips for introvert-friendly ways to socialize with other people. Some of these assume you’re trying to meet new people, while others are great for doing with people you already know.
It’s not all that difficult to find out about events going on in your local area. Check city websites, Google “local events,” or browse through events on Facebook. There’s bound to be something in the area that interests you and there are often options for small gatherings (like a morning yoga meet-up) as well as larger ones. If you’re at an event that interests you, you have a good chance of meeting people with similar interests and perhaps even finding a local group to join. (more…)
Those words, or a variation, come up again and again when I talk with people about what they need when they’re hurting. You’ll also find this advice in books, articles, and interviews talking about how to interact with grieving people. Don’t try to compare your pain to theirs, or explain it away, or slap verbal band aids on the wound. Just be there for them.
Whenever we think about suffering in the Bible, Job is one of the first stories that comes to mind. This man lost seven sons and three daughters all in one day, along with all his wealth. Shortly after that, Satan struck him “with painful sores from the soul of his foot to his head” (Job 1:13-22; 2:7-8, all quotes from WEB). Family, wealth, and health all gone in a moment. Job was about as low as you can humanly get. And so his three best friends came to comfort him and to teach us important lessons about how to interact with hurting people.
Comfort, Sympathy, and Silence
Now when Job’s three friends heard of all this evil that had come on him, they each came from his own place: Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite, and Zophar the Naamathite; and they made an appointment together to come to sympathize with him and to comfort him. When they lifted up their eyes from a distance, and didn’t recognize him, they raised their voices, and wept; and they each tore his robe, and sprinkled dust on their heads toward the sky. So they sat down with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his grief was very great. (Job 2:11-13)
Things started out well. 1) they cared about Job enough to keep track of what was going on with him and know he needed support. 2) they came to him for the purpose of comfort and sympathy. 3) they shared in his grief, weeping with him. 4) they didn’t talk; they just sat with him and waited to see what he’d need. (more…)
You might meet an INFJ who picks up on so much about you that it seems like they’re reading your mind.
Or perhaps you know an ESFJ so in-tune with how people work in groups that every event they plan is an unqualified success.
You might find yourself in a group lead by an ENFJ who manages to make every single person there feel included.
Maybe you meet an ISFJ who knows exactly how to act in dozens of different social situations and always makes the people they interact with feel valued.
The FJ types all use a mental process called Extroverted Feeling, or “Harmony” (to use Personality Hacker’s nickname). ENFJs and ESFJs use it as their favorite (or primary) mental function. INFJs and ISFJs use it as their co-pilot (or auxiliary) function. Today, we’re going to take a closer look at how this cognitive function helps INFJs, ISFJs, ENFJs, and ESFJs read other people. (more…)
Happy book birthday to The INFJ Handbook, second edition!
This handbook takes you through an introduction to Myers-Briggs® theory, dives deep into the nuances of the INFJ personality type, and offers tips for personal growth. Also included are chapters on how other people see INFJs and things that INFJs want other personality types to know. All throughout, you’ll find quotes from eleven men and women who contributed their true stories of life and self-discovery as INFJs.
In this new edition of The INFJ Handbook, every chapter has been updated, re-written, and fact-checked to present INFJs and those who want to understand them with a deeper look into their personalities.
I’m giving away two copies of The INFJ Handbook. I’ll get in touch with each winner after the giveaway to ask if you’d prefer an ebook copy (available worldwide) or a signed paperback (US only to save on postage).
For introverts like me, learning about your personality is often a huge relief. We read books like Susan Cain’s Quiet, Marti Olsen Laney’s The Introvert Advantage, or Laurie Helgoe’s Introvert Power and we marvel that there are other people like us. We’re not alone anymore. All our weirdness finally makes sense.
Except, introversion didn’t explain everything about my personality. Those writing about introversion were careful to point out that it isn’t the same thing as shyness. I was shy, though, so how did I fit in? Learning from Elaine Aron’s books that I’m a highly sensitive person helped explain why certain environments and situations feel overwhelming, but it didn’t explain the racing heart, sweaty palms, and anxious thoughts that followed me into interactions with people.
I had my first panic attack in a Blockbuster when I was about 14 or 15 years old. That was when I realized there was something going on other than just shyness. Another 15 years later and I now know that I struggle with generalized anxiety, social anxiety, and depression. I won’t get into all that here but if you’re curious you can click to read “My Anxiety Story.”
One of the good things that has come out of all this is that I can write about introversion, social anxiety, and what it means to have both. I can’t speak for everyone, though. Our personalities and anxieties are highly individual and if you’re socially anxious it’s going to be a different experience for you than it is for me. There are commonalities, however, and I think there’s a good chance you’ll identify with some of my confessions as a socially anxious introvert. (more…)
During His ministry on earth, Jesus said He was not here to destroy the law. Yet we also have record of the Jews saying He “broke the Sabbath” (Matt. 5:17; John 5:18). Do those two statements contradict?
Similarly, Paul said his own writings “establish the law,” but he also asked his readers why they would be “subject to ordinances” now that they live by faith (Rom. 3:31; Col. 2:20). Aren’t those statements contradictory as well?
These statements actually don’t contradict each other, but to understand why you have to know something about the Jewish world at the time. On one hand, you have God’s law that He delivered to His people through Moses (the Torah). On the other hand, you have additional rules, regulations, and traditions that were put in place by human beings.
So if we look more closely, we see Christ was not here to destroy God’s law, but He did loose the Sabbath from restrictions added by human teachers. Similarly, in Romans Paul is talking about establishing the law of God, but in Colossians he is talking about walking away from “the commandments and doctrines of men” (Col. 2:20-23).
So what does all this have to do with modern Christians? We’ll take a close look at this question in today’s post, and I think we’ll find that these statement that at first appear contradictory actually teach us about how we are supposed to relate to God’s law. They also teach us how to respond when other people (including teachers and leaders) start to change or add to God’s word.
Torah Teachers and Lawbreakers
For a long time, I’ve been confused about the opening verses for Matthew 23. They read like this:
Then Jesus spoke to the multitudes and to his disciples, saying, “The scribes and the Pharisees sit on Moses’ seat. All things therefore whatever they tell you to observe, observe and do, but don’t do their works; for they say, and don’t do.”
Matthew 23:1-3, WEB
I used to think Jesus was telling people to follow the extra traditions because we should respect authority even if it’s corrupt. That didn’t seem quite right, but it was the best I could figure out. Then a heard a sermon about the true meaning of legalism that explained things differently and (I think) more accurately.
Sitting in Moses’ seat refers to the scribes and Pharisees teaching the Torah that Moses taught. The Apostles make a similar observation later, saying they don’t need to focus their efforts on teaching Torah because the synagogues are already reading Moses every sabbath (Acts 15:21). Torah is important, but it was already being taught. That is why Jesus said to “observe and do” what the Jewish leaders said to do — because they were teaching God’s law.
These leaders were not, however, doing the law themselves and that’s why we’re told not to imitate their works. In fact, by saying “they say and don’t do” Christ is identifying them as lawbreakers (Matt. 23:4-36, particularly verse 23). They legalistically followed doctrines of men but broke the laws of God.
Jesus tells us to do what the scribes and Pharisees said inasmuch as they were faithfully teaching God’s words, but not to follow their example because they weren’t really keeping God’s law. This connects to an earlier point He made in the Sermon on the Mount.
Do not think that I have come to destroy the law or the prophets. I have not come to destroy them but to fulfill them. For truly I say to you, until heaven and earth pass away, not one tiny letter or one stroke of a letter will pass away from the law until all takes place. Therefore whoever abolishes one of the least of these commandments and teaches people to do so will be called least in the kingdom of heaven, but whoever keeps them and teaches them, this person will be called great in the kingdom of heaven. For I say to you that unless your righteousness greatly surpasses that of the scribes and Pharisees, you will never enter into the kingdom of heaven.
Matthew 5:17-20, LEB
I imagine it shook some of Jesus’ hearers to learn He expected them to follow God’s word with more righteousness than the scribes and Pharisees. That group was the most righteous that Jews could get, following every little ordinance to the letter. But as Jesus teaches in Matthew 23, their “righteousness” was not the type of righteousness that God seeks. Jesus wants His people to follow His words faithfully from the heart, not to put on a more righteous show. Aligning ourselves with Jesus is how we become truly righteous.
These passages of Jesus’ teachings are key to understanding Paul’s writings. As a faithful apostle he would not have contradicted Jesus by abolishing God’s commands or teaching people to break the law. Rather, Paul’s writings expand on how we relate to God’s laws as spirit-led Christians.
Photo credit: me
Inward Judaism
In the Old Testament, God promised a new kind of covenant relationship with His people, one where the Law would be written in their minds and hearts instead of imposed from the outside (Jer. 31:33). That happened when Jesus came as the Messiah (Heb. 8). So now we come to Paul — a rabbi who was once a Pharisee and became a faithful follower of Jesus (Phil. 3:4-6). Paul teaches how we should relate to God’s law under the New Covenant. He teaches that it’s not so much about “do”s and “don’t”s, but about inward transformation that makes us spiritual like God instead of fleshy.
For he is not a Jew who is one outwardly, neither is that circumcision which is outward in the flesh; but he is a Jew who is one inwardly, and circumcision is that of the heart, in the spirit not in the letter; whose praise is not from men, but from God.
Romans 2:28-29, WEB)
In this chapter of Romans, Paul tells his readers God cares more about how you live than your pedigree or your professions of lawfulness. “It isn’t the hearers of the law who are righteous before God, but the doers of the law will be justified” (Rom. 2:13, WEB). We need to keep the Law because we have a relationship with the Lawgiver which changes our character, not because we think the law will save us on its own. New Covenant believers still keep God’s law, but our relationship with it is different.
As Romans progresses, Paul builds an explanation for how post-Crucifixion believers relate to God’s law. We’ve all sinned and stand condemned under the law of God, which is incapable on its own of making anyone righteous. We can only be saved by Christ’s atoning sacrifice (Rom. 3:20-27). This doesn’t get rid of God’s law, though. “May it never be! No, we establish the law” (Rom. 3:31, WEB). Paul himself (perhaps anticipating how his words might be misread) makes sure that we understand his arguments establish God’s law rather than say it doesn’t matter.
Our walks as Christians should be closely identified with Jesus and affected by our participation in Him. We are buried into His death, raised to new life with Him, and now walk in Him freed from sin (Rom. 6:1-11). Because of this, we must not let sin rule over us. Instead of serving sin, we are now servants of righteousness (Rom. 6:12-23).
In dying with Christ, we also died to the condemnation from sinning/breaking the law and we are now joined to the Lawgiver in a New Covenant marriage “so that we serve in newness of the spirit, and not in oldness of the letter” (Rom. 7:1-6). There’s a struggle inside us about how we relate to the law that only Jesus can reconcile. “The law indeed is holy, and the commandment holy, and righteous, and good” (Rom. 7:12). It is also “spiritual, but I am fleshly, sold under sin” (Rom. 7:14). We want to do what God says but wrestle with human inability to be good.
For I joyfully agree with the law of God in my inner person, but I observe another law in my members, at war with the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that exists in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself with my mind am enslaved to the law of God, but with my flesh I am enslaved to the law of sin.
Romans 7:22-25, LEB
Jesus makes it possible for our inner man, which hopefully agrees with God’s law as Paul did, to live in alignment with Him even though we fall short of God’s perfect standard. We rejoice with God’s law and walk in the spirit, free from the fear that came with not measuring up under the old covenant. There’s no condemnation now because in Christ, we walk not after the flesh but in the spirit (Rom. 8:1-14).
We learn more about this flesh vs. spirit distinction in Paul’s other writings, notably Galatians 5:13-26. Instead of following our fleshly desires into sin or being preoccupied by trying to make ourselves perfect by our own power, we focus on walking in the spirit. This process necessarily results in change. Paul makes it clear that if we aren’t changing from flesh to spirit then we’re not in Christ. It’s as simple as that. Following Jesus and truly modeling His love results in us fulfilling the law in its proper, spiritual context as God always desired. Righteousness happens as a sort of side-effect when we’re following Christ and living a life that is truly spirit-led.
![Image of a Bible open on a table overlaid with Matt. 23:24, TLV version: “Woe to you, Torah scholars and Pharisees, hypocrites! You tithe[a] mint and dill and cumin, yet you have neglected the weightier matters of Torah—justice and mercy and faithfulness. It is necessary to do these things without neglecting the others. O blind guides, straining out a gnat while swallowing a camel!](https://likeananchor.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/08/law-spirit-3.jpg)
