What is your first reaction when someone else makes you feel hurt, confused, or belittled? Where does your mind go if you observe someone doing something you think they shouldn’t, or going somewhere you don’t expect them, or not being where you think they should be?
For many of us, our first reaction is to assume something bad. They were trying to hurt us or put us down. They’re slacking on their duties, they don’t value their commitments, they’re trying to get away with something. For others among us, assuming positive intent comes more naturally and we’re inclined to give people a little more grace.
Whatever our default response, we need to learn how to assume positive intent. Psychologists counsel that assuming positive intent is a great way to move forward constructively from disputes. It’s a concept that’s often related to resolving conflicts in a work environment, but it works in other relationships as well. Brené Brown counsels people to approach all our interactions with the assumption that the other person is doing the best they can.
Positive intention isn’t just a new psychology trend. It’s linked with the philosophical notion of charity, which is also a Christian virtue. When you have the option to interpret a situation negatively or positively, assuming positive intent means you choose the more charitable or love-inspired option.
I started to write about this idea in last week’s post as part of the “Do Not Forsake Each Other” section, but I quickly realized there was way too much to say to fit in a concluding paragraph. Even in the church, I think we’re often too quick to jump to conclusions about peoples’ behavior. We may complain about, expose, ridicule, and cut them out of our lives without so much as a conversation to try and resolve our differences. That’s not how things are supposed to be. There has to be a better way.
A Way Beyond Compare
In Paul’s first letter to the Corinthians, he addresses their desire for spiritual gifts. It’s a good desire, since gifts used rightly benefit the entire church body. But Paul is also concerned that the way they’re approaching gifts might lead to conflicts and people thinking that one person’s gift or role is better than another’s. So he makes sure that they know there’s a better way.
But you should be eager for the greater gifts. And now I will show you a way that is beyond comparison.
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but I do not have love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith so that I can remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give away everything I own, and if I give over my body in order to boast, but do not have love, I receive no benefit.
Love is patient, love is kind, it is not envious. Love does not brag, it is not puffed up. It is not rude, it is not self-serving, it is not easily angered or resentful. It is not glad about injustice, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never ends. But if there are prophecies, they will be set aside; if there are tongues, they will cease; if there is knowledge, it will be set aside. For we know in part, and we prophesy in part, but when what is perfect comes, the partial will be set aside. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. But when I became an adult, I set aside childish ways. For now we see in a mirror indirectly, but then we will see face to face. Now I know in part, but then I will know fully, just as I have been fully known. And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.
1 Corinthians 12:31-13:13, NET
This is how we’re supposed to interact with each other. Without love guiding our actions, all the good things we do are empty. In the King James Bible, “love” was translated “charity.” It’s from the Greek word agape, or “brotherly love, affection, good will, love, benevolence” (Thayer’s dictionary, entry G26). This is the same word Peter used in his letter when he wrote, “Above all keep your love for one another fervent, because love covers a multitude of sins” (1 Pet. 4:8, NET).
Peter doesn’t mean that love ignores sins or says they’re okay. The full Proverb that he quoted says, “Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all wrongs” (Prov. 10:12, WEB). There’s a stark contrast between how love handles things and the type of reaction that generates dissention, disagreement, strife, and broken relationships. The NET study note on Proverbs 10:12 says, “Love acts like forgiveness. Hatred looks for and exaggerates faults, but love seeks ways to make sins disappear.” Love is the way God interacts with us, and it’s how He wants us to interact with each other.
If we are patient and kind, avoiding envy, bragging, pride, rudeness, selfishness, anger, and resentment, then we’ll be acting in love and assuming positive intent on the part of people we interact with. Rather than looking for reasons to find fault or jumping on people the moment we spot what might be a sin, we should try to find ways to resolve things peaceably.
When We’re Tempted to Give Up on Church
All too often, we see churches that are full of rifts and squabbles between the members and misunderstandings or even abuses of power from the ministry. There are times when we need to discontinue fellowship with someone because they are sinful and toxic, and times when accusations must be brought against those in ministry (1 Cor. 5:9-13; 1 Tim. 5:19-20). I don’t want to downplay those serious issues, but (as I mentioned in last week’s post) I suspect they’re less common than situations where pride, selfishness, impatience, and miscommunication are getting in the way of godly conflict resolution.
On the one hand, I understand why some people want to move away from organized church groups and how some develop antagonistic relationships with ministry. As an older teen and in my early 20s, there were several times I wanted to walk away from church even though I didn’t want to abandon my relationship with God. I found myself nodding along when people said that nothing was going to change until all the old ministers died off. I’d get irritated or even outraged when I heard of situations where a minister imposed stupid rules like no colorful socks at church or did something that seemed unbiblical like telling people not to host private Bible studies. I’ve felt stifled by church traditions, alone in congregations, and irritated that some people and/or rules seemed to get in the way of how I want to experience God.
But then I started listening to people more carefully. I heard more about behind-the-scenes reasons for some of the seemingly arbitrary rules in certain congregations. I built relationships with people in the ministry who are truly, deeply committed to doing things God’s way. I joined a small women’s group at church and learned more about their experiences and viewpoints. I don’t always agree with or understand the reasoning of everyone I encounter at church, but I believe that on the whole both ministers and my fellow church members have positive intentions. We all want to follow Jesus, honor God, and contribute positively to His church.
And he himself gave some as apostles, some as prophets, some as evangelists, and some as pastors and teachers, to equip the saints for the work of ministry, that is, to build up the body of Christ, until we all attain to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God—a mature person, attaining to the measure of Christ’s full stature. So we are no longer to be children, tossed back and forth by waves and carried about by every wind of teaching by the trickery of people who craftily carry out their deceitful schemes. But practicing the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into Christ, who is the head. From him the whole body grows, fitted and held together through every supporting ligament. As each one does its part, the body builds itself up in love.
Ephesians 4:11-16, NET
This is how the church is supposed to work. It doesn’t always look like this, but that’s what we should all be working toward. And I think it will go a long way toward making the church more like this if we learn to assume positive intent on the part of other people. When you assume positive intent, you talk with people about your concerns instead of jumping to the conclusion that they’re intractable, malicious, or stupid. And we need to be able to talk with people to build real relationships and resolve conflicts.
The Necessity of Godly Conflict Resolution
Matthew 18 is an interesting chapter. In some Bibles, it’s divided up into four different headings but the whole thing is part of Jesus’s answer to a questions the disciples asked. They came to Him and said, “Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?” (Matt. 18:1, NET).
He called a child, had him stand among them, and said, “I tell you the truth, unless you turn around and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven! Whoever then humbles himself like this little child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.”
Matthew 18:2-3, NET
“Who will be greatest?” is not the right question to ask. That attitude needed to be turned around if they wanted to get into the kingdom of heaven. As Jesus goes on, He warns them against causing one of the “little ones” who believe in Him to sin. It would be better to cut off your own hand or foot than to be a stumbling block to yourself or others.
He then hammers the point home with the parable of the lost sheep. God is like a shepherd who notices if just one little lamb wanders off, and He cares deeply about keeping all His people in His flock. With that background information about how important it is to God that His flock stays together and the members don’t cause each other to stumble and sin, Jesus immediately goes into addressing Christian conflict resolution.
“In the same way, your Father in heaven is not willing that one of these little ones be lost.
“If your brother sins, go and show him his fault when the two of you are alone. If he listens to you, you have regained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others with you, so that at the testimony of two or three witnesses every matter may be established. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. If he refuses to listen to the church, treat him like a Gentile or a tax collector.
Matthew 18:14-15, NET (bold italics in original, marking a quotation from Deut 19:15)
The first step Jesus gives for resolving disputes in a godly way is much easier if you assume positive intent. Ideally, this first step is where it starts and stops. Something comes up, you go to your brother or sister in Christ and talk about it, and you mend the relationship. And yet, this is the step that is most often skipped. We often want to jump ahead to the “take one or two others with you” or “tell it to the church” steps, but that’s not the way to practice truth in love or build up the body (as Paul told us to do in Ephesians).
At this point in the conversation, Peter had a question. He came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times must I forgive my brother who sins against me? As many as seven times?” Jesus told Him he must be willing to forgive way more than that, and then illustrated His point with a parable.
“For this reason, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his slaves. As he began settling his accounts, a man who owed 10,000 talents was brought to him. Because he was not able to repay it, the lord ordered him to be sold, along with his wife, children, and whatever he possessed, and repayment to be made. Then the slave threw himself to the ground before him, saying, ‘Be patient with me, and I will repay you everything.’ The lord had compassion on that slave and released him, and forgave him the debt. After he went out, that same slave found one of his fellow slaves who owed him 100 silver coins. So he grabbed him by the throat and started to choke him, saying, ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ Then his fellow slave threw himself down and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will repay you.’ But he refused. Instead, he went out and threw him in prison until he repaid the debt. When his fellow slaves saw what had happened, they were very upset and went and told their lord everything that had taken place. Then his lord called the first slave and said to him, ‘Evil slave! I forgave you all that debt because you begged me! Should you not have shown mercy to your fellow slave, just as I showed it to you?’ And in anger his lord turned him over to the prison guards to torture him until he repaid all he owed. So also my heavenly Father will do to you, if each of you does not forgive your brother from your heart.”
Matthew 18:23-35, NET
This is serious stuff. Forgiveness from God is among the most precious gifts we receive. Our eternal lives depend on it. So when Jesus says the way we treat each other is so important that God’s forgiveness of us depends on our forgiveness of others, we need to sit up and pay attention. Forgiveness and conflict resolution among God’s people isn’t just God’s preference. It’s an imperative affecting our salvation.
God wants peace among His people and He intends for us to grow together as a whole church (i.e. followers of God who may attend different congregations but are united under the Head of the church, Jesus Christ), not simply as isolated individuals. We are admonished to “take thought of how to spur one another on to love and good works, not abandoning our own meetings, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging each other” (Heb. 10:23-25). There are times when it’s physically impossible to get together with other believers, and God understands that. But if you can gather with other believers and be part of a local church–or even set up something like virtual Bible studies, if you can’t meet in person–it’s far better to do that than to try to live as a solitary Christian. Let’s each commit to doing our part to live peacefully with all people–especially those who are brothers and sisters in the faith–, assume positive intent as we navigate our relationships, and refuse to give up on fellowshipping together as part of God’s church.
Featured image by Shaun Menary from Lightstock
Song Recommendation: “We Need Each Other” by Sanctus Real
Like An Anchor 