Agape and Philia: Overlapping Dimensions of God’s Love

2 November, 202411 December, 2025Marissa

Love is a central theme in the Bible. It’s inarguably one of the most important things in scripture, because “God is love” and He presents love not only as central to His character but to our Christian walk as well.

You might have heard that there are multiple Greek words for love. Eros is love that desires. Philia is friendship love. Storge is family love. Agape is selfless love. Only philia and agape appear in the Bible (except for storge in a few derivative or compound words), but this still makes English translation challenging since we only have one word for love. Some Bible versions try to deal with this by translating agape as charity (KJV) or philia as “brotherly kindness” (certain WEB verses, for example). In many cases, though, both are simply translated “love.”

While the brief definitions I gave in the previous paragraph are correct, they’re incomplete. Pages of dictionaries, a plethora of scholarly papers, and numerous books have been written trying to define Christian love and tease out the differences between philia and agape. In many cases, these definitions focus on agape, often because the authors see philia as a lesser sort of love. It is true that agape is used far more often than philia in scripture. However, this does not mean that agape is a higher form of love, that it’s never used negatively, or that it doesn’t overlap in meaning with philia. Both words are important and both are used of God’s love for us, our love for God, and love between people.

Image of two people's clasped hands overlaid with text from John 15:12-14, NET version: “My commandment is this – to love (agapao) one another just as I have loved you. No one has greater love (agape) than this – that one lays down his life for his friends (philos). You are my friends if you do what I command you.” — Image by Jantanee from Lightstock

What is the Historical Context for Agape?

The Bible writers didn’t invent a new word for love when they used agape, but finding out what the word meant in pre-Christian writings has been a challenge (if anyone knows of good sources on this, please send them to me!). In Classical Greek, the focus was more on eros (particularly for Plato) and philia (particularly for Aristotle) (Holst, 2021). The only sources I’ve found on how the word was used before Christianity are Biblical Greek dictionaries.

Thayer’s Greek Lexicon, originally published in 1889, stated that the word form agape is “a purely Biblical and ecclesiastical word” (Greek 26. Agapé, n.d.). He states that “secular authors” including Aristotle and Plutarch used the form agapasis, and he does “not remember to have met with it” in the Jewish writers Philo and Josephus. Agape does appear in the Septuagint (the Greek translation of the Hebrew Old Testament that dates from the 3^rd to 1^st centuries B.C.), which provides some background for how Jesus and other NT writers (particularly Paul, John, Peter, and Jude) use the word.

According to a search of the Greek Septuagint with Strong’s numbers in the Bible software program eSword, agape appears 15 times in 14 verses in the Old Testament (2 Sam. 13:15; Ecc. 9:1, 6; Song 2:4-5, 7; 3:5, 10; 5:8; 7:7; 8:4, 6-7; Jer. 2:2). In these verses, agape is used for human love, including romantic love. The root word of agape, agapao, appears 209 times in 196 verses as the main word for “love” in the Greek Old Testament. This includes the love of God for us (for example, Deut. 4:37; 7:13; Prov. 3:12; Is. 43:4; Mal. 1:2) and the love we’re supposed to have for God (for example, Deut. 6:5; 10:12; Prov. 15:9 Is. 56:6). Its usage is not, however, confined to Godly love. It’s used much the same way that the English word “love” is today, with a range of meaning depending on context.

The modern Christian understanding of agape is heavily influenced by Swedish theologian Anders Nygren, who began publishing his multi-part work Eros and Agape in 1930. For Nygreen, eros was central to Greek society and stood in sharp contrast to the Christian agape, which was an utterly unique type of love (Grant, 1996; Holst, 2021). Nearly every paper I’ve found on the topic of agape cites Nygren’s work, either in passing or in a direct response to his claims. Nygren ignored philia entirely, and claimed that agape is a type of love that originates with God alone and involves His “pure, unmotivated love for human beings” (Holst, 2021, p. 55). Following in Nygren’s footsteps, I often hear agape defined as the highest love. Other loves are often minimized as emotional and unstable. As we’ll see, this is a skewed reading of the Biblical texts.

What is the Historical Context for Philia?

There’s more historical information about philia. For Aristotle, philia “is the human good which nobody would choose to live without” (Holst, 2021, p. 56). He devoted two books to the subject of philia, typically translated “friendship,” and it is central to his code of ethics. For Aristotle, friendship is a virtue linked with justice and trust. It also has to do with understanding the virtuous self in relation to community with others.

In the Septuagint, philia appears 9 times, all in Proverbs. The related word philos appears 27 times. These words are used to describe romantic, friendly, and familial love, love for things, and the actions of kissing or embracing (e.g. Gen. 27:14; 37:4; 50:1; Prov. 7:18; 8:17; 10:12; 29:3; Hos. 3:1). In the Septuagint, at least, philia is a slightly more specific word for love than agape. It’s still used in a variety of ways, but it is used for affectionate and friendly love rather than used more generally for all types of love as agapao is.

Though philia is mostly connected to friendships, it’s not only for people who are already close friends but also for guests because hospitality “lays the basis for all friends to begin to trust each other” (Holst, 2021, p. 65). It is in this dynamic of “guest friendship” that Holst (2021) argues philia enhances our understanding of agape because both involve relating to other people. Economist Luigino Bruni (2010) borrows the phrase “l’inconditionnalité conditionnelle” (conditional unconditionality) from sociologist Alain Caillé to describe philia as something that takes a first step toward friendship unconditionally, but is then “conditional” upon the other person responding (p. 400-01). We shall return to this idea later.

Image of a man sitting at a table with his head bowed over a Bible overlaid with two quotations: “For the Lord disciplines the one he loves (agapao) and chastises every son he accepts.” (Hebrews 12:16, NET) and "All those I love (phileo), I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest and repent!” ( Revelation 3:19, NET) — Image by WhoisliketheLord Studio from Lightstock

What About Love for God?

Nygren’s definition of agape fits with the way that I hear people talk about agape in church today, save for one thing. For him, “agape toward God is impossible. Agape is of God. The human response to God is faith” (Grant, 1996, 6). Nygren apparently based this assumption on Paul’s writings and ignored the gospels and John’s letters completely. This aspect of Nygren’s stance on agape is similar to Aristotle’s view on philia. For Aristotle, philia can only exist between two equals, making friendship between humans and a god impossible (Bruni, 2010).

In examining the Bible as a whole, it becomes clear that not only are people capable of loving God, but that we are required to do so. But what sort of love can we have for God? In the Septuagint, agapao is the word for “love” that’s used to describe God’s love for us and our love for God. In the New Testament, agape, agapao, and philia are all used for godly love. For example, God the Father loves the Son with both agape (John 3:35) and phileo (John 5:20). Our love for God is typically identified as agape, but also (far more rarely) as philia (John 16:27; 1 Cor. 16:22).

There’s an exchange between Peter and Jesus that’s often cited to clarify the difference between agape and philia. It takes place after Jesus’s arrest, Peter’s denial of Jesus, and Jesus’s death and resurrection. Here is that passage in the Amplified Bible, which takes care to clarify which type of love Jesus and Peter are referring to.

So when they had finished breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon, son of John, do you love Me more than these [others do—with total commitment and devotion]?” He said to Him, “Yes, Lord; You know that I love You [with a deep, personal affection, as for a close friend].” Jesus said to him, “Feed My lambs.” Again He said to him a second time, “Simon, son of John, do you love Me [with total commitment and devotion]?” He said to Him, “Yes, Lord; You know that I love You [with a deep, personal affection, as for a close friend].” Jesus said to him, “Shepherd My sheep.” He said to him the third time, “Simon, son of John, do you love Me [with a deep, personal affection for Me, as for a close friend]?” Peter was grieved that He asked him the third time, “Do you [really] love Me [with a deep, personal affection, as for a close friend]?” And he said to Him, “Lord, You know everything; You know that I love You [with a deep, personal affection, as for a close friend].” Jesus said to him, “Feed My sheep.”
John 21:15-17, AMP

When I hear a minister in the churches I attend talk about this passage, they usually make it sound like Peter just couldn’t measure up to the type of love that Jesus demanded. Agape is a higher form of love than philia, they say, and Peter missed the mark. But Spiros Zodhiates (1992) has a different reading. He says that claiming friendship, philia, with Jesus “was an upgrading by Peter of his devotion to Christ” (p. 65). Peter had denied knowing Jesus, much less being friends with Him, and “the Lord did not accept Peter’s self-upgraded love from agape (26) to philia (5373), friendship” (Zodhiates, 1992, p. 65). It is presumptuous to declare ourselves God’s friends, though He can make that claim on us (Luke 12:4; John 15:13-15; James 2:23).

These two different readings illustrate the different ways that we can look at the relationship between agape and philia. We can read one as a greater love and one as a lesser love, or we can read them as different types of love. Zodhiates (1992) notes that scholars often produce “strained and awkward interpretations” when they try to draw rigid distinctions between the two words (p. 1445). There are differences, but there is also a lot of overlap between these two Biblical words for love. They are even used interchangeably in certain contexts. For example, in the phrase, “disciple whom Jesus loved,” John uses the word phileo in John 20:2 and agapao in John 21:7. Similarly, when two different authors talk about God correcting those he loves, one uses agapao (Heb. 12:6) and one uses phileo (Rev. 3:19). It really doesn’t seem useful to say one is better or worse than the other or even to draw too many distinctions between the two. They are both powerful ways to love.

Conditionality in Relation to Agape and Philia

While there is a lot of commonality between agape and phlia, including contexts where they are interchangeable, there are also some differences we can look at. I want to return to this idea of “unconditional conditionality” related to philia. Though Bruni (2010) is writing about eros, philia, and agape as categories of economic reciprocity, his analysis of the terms in relation to social-historical context and scripture provides insight into the nuances of meaning. For philia, the one who moves to initiate the friendship initially does so unconditionally, without underlying motives (Bruni, 2010, p. 399-400). If, however, the other person does not respond, the friendship is interrupted. In the same way, Jesus places a condition upon His philia: “You are my friends (philos) if you do what I command you” (John 15:14, NET). Similarly, God the Father’s philia for human beings happens because of how they feel about the Son: “the Father himself loves (phileo) you, because you have loved (phileo) me and have believed that I came from God” (John 16:27, NET). We can have friendship-love with God only when we respond to His unconditional offer and reciprocate with trust, love, and loyalty.

In contrast, agape for Bruni (2010) is unconditional, relational, potentially universal, and expects nothing in return (p. 403). He bases his definition on the way that agape works in Christian communities, citing another Greek word koinonia to describe the fellowship present in a body of believers led by Jesus, who epitomized agape (p. 404). The parable of the unforgiving slave (Matthew 18:23-35) provides for Bruni an example that hints at the reciprocal expectations of a philia relationship (philia serving as an ethical framework for relationships in Greek society [Holst, 2021]) but then supersedes them with the agapic expectation to freely receive gifts from God and then freely give to others (Bruni, 2010, p. 405).

For this is the way God loved (agapao) the world: He gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life.
John 3:16, NET

God’s agape isn’t dependent on human response. We’re supposed to respond to His love, but He is agape, expresses agape, and is motivated by agape regardless of how people react to Him. When Jesus told His followers to “love (agapao) your enemy,” He followed it by saying this is part of being like our “Father in Heaven, since he causes the sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous” (Matt. 5:44-45, NET). God also demonstrated His agape for His enemies when Jesus died for us while we were still sinners alienated from and opposed to God (Rom. 5:6-11).

God the Father and Jesus Christ are going to have love that is unconditional, benevolent, and wants what’s best for you regardless of your response to Him. They’ve already demonstrated their agape for everyone by Jesus dying to make reconciliation possible. This universal love does not, however, mean that we don’t have a role to play. We still need to repent, believe, and commit to God if we want to receive the salvation that He offers and to fully participate in His love. There’s a relational aspect to both philia and agape that helps explain the overlaps in meaning between the two words.

Image of people holding hands in a circle overlaid with text from 2 Corinthians 13:11-13, NET version: “Finally, brothers and sisters, rejoice, set things right, be encouraged, agree with one another, live in peace, and the God of love (agape) and peace will be with you. Greet one another with a holy kiss. All the saints greet you. The grace of the Lord Jesus Christ and the love of God and the fellowship (koinonia) of the Holy Spirit be with you all.” — Image by Pearl from Lightstock

The Dimension of Emotion

One of the criticisms I hear leveled at philia is that it’s an emotional love, unlike the purportedly more rational and stable agape. This is not a weakness of philia, but it is a characteristic. According to Thayer’s lexicon, Christ tells us to agape, not philia, our enemies “because love as an emotion cannot be commanded, but only love as a choice” (Greek 5368. Phileó, n.d.). This is not, however, the whole story. There are certain people that we are required or encouraged to have philia for as well as agape.

Paul wrote, “If any man doesn’t love (phileo) the Lord Jesus Christ, let him be cursed,” or “anathema” (1 Cor. 16:22, WEB). We must have emotional, friendly, affectionate love for Jesus as well as unconditional, committed love. Far more often, though, the command to love God is expressed with agape. The most important commandment is “Love (agapao) the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength.’ The second is: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself’” (Mark 12:30-31, NET).

We also must have both philia and agape love for other people in the church. The compound word philadelphia (love+brother) is often translated “brotherly kindness” or “brotherly love.” It’s something that we’re commanded to have for our brethren, the other people in God’s church with whom we share fellowship (koinonia) (Rom. 12:10; 1 Thes. 4:9; Heb. 13:1; 1 Pet. 1:22; 3:8). Unlike our enemies, with whom we are not required to share mutual interests or affection, our brothers and sisters in Christ are people that we are supposed to care about.

The Vast Importance of Love

Thus far, I’ve focused a lot on philia because I think it’s often overlooked or minimized in discussions of Biblical love. Both philia and agape are part of faith; character traits that we must add on to the foundation of our commitment to God (2 Pet. 1:5-7). But I want to be careful that examining the importance of philia doesn’t minimize the importance of agape.

Forms of the word agape are used 535 times in the New Testament (eSword search for G25, G26, G27 [agapao, agape, agapetos) in contrast to forms of the word philia appearing 55 times (eSword search for G5384, G5360, G5373 [philos, phileo, philia]). Those numbers don’t include the times philia is part of a compound word (like philadelphia/philadelphus [G5360/G5361, used 7 times), but uses of agape still outnumber philia by quite a wide margin. It’s also the word used in some of the most pivotal discussions of love in the Bible, such as 1 John 2-5.

Image of a Bible laying open in the sunlight, overlaid with blog's title text and the words, "The Bible uses two main Greek words for love: philia and agape. Together, they help us understand God's incredible love for us and the type of love we’re
supposed to have." — Image by Lamppost Collective from Lightstock

Dear friends, let us love one another, because love is from God, and everyone who loves has been fathered by God and knows God. The person who does not love does not know God, because God is love. By this the love of God is revealed in us: that God has sent his one and only Son into the world so that we may live through him. In this is love: not that we have loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the atoning sacrifice for our sins.

Dear friends, if God so loved us, then we also ought to love one another. No one has seen God at any time. If we love one another, God resides in us, and his love is perfected in us. … We love because he loved us first.

If anyone says “I love God” and yet hates his fellow Christian, he is a liar, because the one who does not love his fellow Christian whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen. And the commandment we have from him is this: that the one who loves God should love his fellow Christian too.
1 John 4:11-16, 19-21, NET

Every time “love” appears in 1 John, it’s translated from a form of the word agape. Here we see that God is love, that He loves us, that we can love in the same way because of Him, and that if we really love Him we’ll love all of His people as well. We see that godly agape is enabled by God; i.e. we love because He loved.

We should note here that there are also ungodly expressions of agape (Luke 11:43; John 3:19; 12:43; 1 John 2:15), which is why it’s inaccurate to simply define agape as “godly love.” There are even passages that talk about the agape of God in contexts where a clarification likely wouldn’t be necessary if agape was always “of God” (Rom. 5:5; 8:39; 2 Thes. 3:5; 1 John 2:5; 3:17; Jude 1:21). With this caveat, we can say that the New Testament writers almost exclusively focus on the godly version that’s defined in 1 Corinthians 13.

Love is patient, love is kind, it is not envious. Love does not brag, it is not puffed up. It is not rude, it is not self-serving, it is not easily angered or resentful. It is not glad about injustice, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8, NET

We have no such Biblical definition for philia, perhaps because friendly, affectionate love is much easier to understand (and more often explored in secular writings of the time) than unselfish, unconditional love. Paul also tells us in this passage that agape is absolutely essential to the Christian walk, and that it’s even more important than hope and faith (1 Cor. 13:1-3, 13). There are broad definitions we can give for philia and agape, including certain general distinctions between the two, that have an historical, scholarly, and most important biblical basis. What we must not do, however, is make the claim that agape is the highest or only form of godly love just because it sounds good (see Truth Be Told podcast episode, “It’ll Preach, But Is It True?). Philia and agape together—along with related words used by Biblical writers—help us understand God’s incredible love for us. There are some differences between the two, and agape is highlighted as a chief Christian virtue, but the two words also overlap quite a bit, especially in the context of godly love.

References

Bruni, L. (2010). Éros, Philia et Agapè. Pour une théorie de la réciprocité, plurielle et pluraliste [Eros, Philia and Agape. For a Theory of Reciprocity, Plural and Pluralist]. In La gratuité: Eloge de l’inestimable (pp. 389–413). Revue du M.A.U.S.S.

Grant, C. (1996). For the Love of God: Agape. The Journal of Religious Ethics, 24(1), 3–21.

Greek 26. agapé. (n.d.). Bible Hub. https://biblehub.com/greek/26.htm

Greek 5368. phileó. (n.d.). Bible Hub. https://biblehub.com/greek/5368.htm

Holst, J. (2021). Philia and Agape: Ancient Greek Ethics of Friendship and Christian Theology of Love. In S. Hongladarom & J. J. Joaquin (Eds.), Love and Friendship across Cultures: Perspectives from East and West (Singapore, pp. 1–191). Springer Nature Singapore. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-981-33-4834-9

Zodhiates, S. (Ed.). (1992). The Complete WordStudy Dictionary: New Testament. AMG Publishers.

Featured image by Lamppost Collective from Lightstock

Song Recommendation: “Your Love is Extravagant” by Casting Crowns

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Not All God’s Love Is Unconditional: How To Become A Friend Of God

7 April, 20187 July, 2021Marissa

Do you ever feel like God just loves you because that’s something He does for everyone, not because He actually likes you?

That’s how I started the seminar I gave back in December, which I’m finally getting around to sharing on this blog. I’m willing to say that I’m not the only person who’s ever felt this way about God’s love, at least some of the time. There are a couple different things that play-in to this idea, but I think at least part of it is that usually when we talk about love in the Bible, we focus on the Greek word agape, which describes God’s unconditional love for all people. But there’s another word for love that talks about God’s affection for His friends. Depending on which resource you look at there are up to eight different words for “love” in Greek, though most people focus on these four:

Agape — selfless, benevolent love
Philos — friendly, affectionate love
Storge — natural, family love
Eros — passionate, romantic love

We’re going to talk about agape and phileo, since those are the two used in the Bible. Together, agape and the root word agapao appear a total of 263 times in the New Testament. Philos and the closely related word phileo are used only 54 times, though it also appears in several compound words like philadelphos (brotherly love) and philostorgos (family love).

It would be pretty easy to look at these numbers and say agape is the most important kind of love in the Bible. And considering it’s the word used in the phrase, “God is love,” I’d say that’s a pretty good description. It’s also the word for love that’s defined in 1 Corinthians 13. There isn’t any other word that gets such a thorough analysis in scripture. But maybe our emphasis on agape, even though it’s correct, comes at the expense of a good understanding of another important word, phileo.

Do You Love Me?

The difference between agape and philos might not seem significant at first glance. But there’s a conversation in John’s gospel that illustrates how different these two words for love can be. This conversation takes place after Jesus’ resurrection. His disciples had gone fishing and He met them on the beach, had dinner with them, and then asked Peter a question. In most Bible versions I’m familiar with, both agape and philos are translated in these verses as “love.” I like the World English Bible, since it makes clear that there are two different concepts at play.

Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon, son of Jonah, do you love [agape] me more than these?”
He said to him, “Yes, Lord; you know that I have affection [phileo] for you.”
He said to him, “Feed my lambs.” He said to him again a second time, “Simon, son of Jonah, do you love me?”
He said to him, “Yes, Lord; you know that I have affection for you.”
He said to him, “Tend my sheep.” He said to him the third time, “Simon, son of Jonah, do you have affection for me?”
Peter was grieved because he asked him the third time, “Do you have affection for me?” He said to him, “Lord, you know everything. You know that I have affection for you.”
Jesus said to him, “Feed my sheep.”
John 21:15-17, WEB

The few times I’ve heard people address this passage, they usually say Jesus was asking Peter to reach for a higher form of love and Peter just wasn’t getting it. They think Peter couldn’t measure up to agape, so he used a lesser word to describe his love. But Peter’s the guy who stepped out of a boat and started walking across the water to get to Jesus (Matt. 14:26-29). He doesn’t hold himself back. And just a few days before this conversation he’d denied even knowing Jesus, so I imagine he’s anxious to show that he really does love Him.

I don’t think Peter saw phileo as a lesser form of love. I think he was trying to say, “Yes, of course I love you with agape. But even more than that I’m your friend – we share common interests and I care about you.” And that’s why he was so sad when Jesus used the word phileo when he asked the third time, “Do you love me?” Because it must have seemed like Jesus was asking, “Do you really care about me, Peter?”

A Closer Look At Philos

The difference between these two kinds of love isn’t as simple as just saying agape is godly love and phileo is friendly love. Both words are used of God’s love for people and of our love for God. There’s quite a bit of overlap in how they’re used, but we can still make a few general observations.

Agape doesn’t always involve emotion, although it can, but it always means being interested in the ultimate good of the ones you love. It’s the word used to describe the kind of love that prompted God to sacrifice His own son for the entire world, and which He commands us to show toward our enemies (John 3:16; Luke 6:27). God doesn’t tell us we have to have warm fuzzy feelings for our enemies, but He does want us to care about what happens to them and hope for a good outcome in much the same way He wants everyone to “choose life” (Deut. 30:19; 2 Pet. 3:9).

Phileo tends to be more specific than agape, since you only feel it for those you share goals and interests with. In fact, it’s often translated “friend” instead of love.” This word always involves affection and emotion. Jesus uses phileo when He talks about how He and the Father work together (John 5:20). Paul uses it to talk about the relationship between believers who have a common interest in following God (Tit. 3:15). But the thing about phileo that’s really amazing happens when it’s used of a relationship between God and a human being.

Not All God's Love Is Unconditional: How To Become A Friend Of God | marissabaker.wordpress.com

Friends of God

There are a few specific people who the Bible identifies as personal friends of God. Jesus had friends when he lived on this earth, such as Lazarus and John (John 11:11; 20:2). There were also people in the Old Testament who were friends with God. James tells us that Abraham was called God’s friend after “he offered Isaac his son on the altar” (James 2:23). At that point, Abraham had faithfully demonstrated for years that his interests were in line with God’s plan. That type of shared interests is part of phileo, the friendship love.

Abraham is not the only person in the Old Testament who God treated as a friend. We’re told “the Lord spoke to Moses face to face, as a man speaks to his friend” (Ex. 33:11). God also called David “a man after My own heart, who will do all My will” (Acts 13:22). As these people’s interests lined up with God’s and they moved in the direction He was leading, they became His friends. Christ’s friendship with His disciples followed much the same pattern, and that is the kind of relationship we’re now offered with God the Father and with Jesus Christ.

God’s Conditional Love

Jesus said, “Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends, if you do whatever I command you” (John 15:13 WEB). In this verse, “friends” is translated from phileo. Because phileo involves sharing common interests with the people you love, this particular love that Jesus offers is conditional upon us keeping His commandments (unlike agape, which is often, though not always, framed as unconditional).

God is going to have a certain amount of agape for you whether you keep His commandments or not. In other words, He has a love for all people that wants the best for them and hopes that they will choose to follow Him and enter a relationship so that our shared love can increase and become more affectionate and intimate. If you want God to be your friend and to enjoy a deeper level of love and connection with Him, then you have to share His interests. You need to be in covenant with Him (in that way, love is very similar to grace). God’s invitation to have a deeper relationship with Him through covenant isn’t something we’re supposed to think of as a strict/unkind “do this or I won’t love you” ultimatum. Rather, it’s about developing a real relationship based on shared interests, character traits, and goals.

God’s commands (and the whole Bible, really) are a guide-book for developing His character. They reveal the things that He cares deeply about and if we want to be His friends, then we need to care about those things as well. And that’s why it’s so important to develop a regular Bible study practice–so we can keep getting to know who God is and what He wants and how we can become like Him.

Developing God’s Interests

Shared interests and goals are an essential part of the type of love described by phileo. When we’re thinking about that in the context of developing a friendship with God, it means that we’re literally becoming the type of person that Jesus Christ is.

As our Teacher, Jesus is the template we pattern ourselves after. In a Hebrew mindset, someone who is following a teacher, or Rabbi, isn’t just there to learn what the teacher knows. Their goal is to become the type of person that teacher is. And this should also be our goal as we seek friendship with God. The more we become like Him in how we think, act, and speak, the closer we are to being full-grown Christians who’ve attained “to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ,” as Paul says in Ephesians 4:13 (WEB).

Just as I have loved you, you also love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples.
John 13:34-35, WeB

Just as he who called you is holy, you yourselves also be holy in all of your behavior.
1 Peter 1:15, WEB

These verses are just a couple examples of how we grow to become like Christ. Loving others the exact same way Jesus loves us will show everyone that we’re really His students. And Peter reminds us that we’re called to become holy the same way that God is holy. In fact, the more we become like God, the closer a relationship we’ll have with Him. And the closer a relationship we have with Him, the more we’ll become like God. It’s a lovely cycle of increasing intimacy, commonality, and affection.

God’s Friendship Love For Us

Another part of developing God’s mindset and becoming friends with Him is having a proper perspective on who the Father and Son really are and how They both feel about us. This is actually one of my favorite verses in the whole Bible. It’s Jesus speaking to His disciples on His last Passover. He says,

“In that day you will ask in my name; and I don’t say to you, that I will pray to the Father for you, for the Father himself loves [phileo] you, because you have loved me, and have believed that I came from God.”
John 16:26-27, WEB

In John’s Passover account, Jesus uses philos to describe how He feels about His disciples several times. But this is the only place where it’s used of how God the Father feels for us. By using the word phileo in this passage instead of agape, Christ is telling us that God feels affection for us and He has shared interests with us on the condition that we love and believe in Jesus.

With these words, Jesus assures His disciples and us today that the Father personally listens to our prayers because of His friendly, affectionate love for us and because of our belief on His Son Jesus. If you can honestly say you love Jesus and believe that He’s the son of God, then God Himself wants to be your friend. God is agape and He has a baseline level of that kind of love for every person in the world (John 3:16-17). God’s phileo, on the other hand, is reserved for those He’s in relationship with–the ones who share His interests, believe in His word, and enter a covenant with Him.

Our Friendship With God

As I mentioned earlier, agape is used much more frequently than phileo, so there aren’t as many verses we can look at to keep expanding on this topic. But we do have a few that give us a glimpse into how God feels about us as part of His family.

“As many as I love, I reprove and chasten. Be zealous therefore, and repent. Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, then I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me.”
Revelation 2:19-20, WEB

Now, I know that part about reproving and chastening doesn’t sound very affectionate but it’s part of us being in God’s family. If He didn’t care about us, He would just let us go off and do our own thing and reap the consequences. That’s not in His nature, though. He wants to see us choose good things because He has agape love for us. And once we start to choose Him, then His affection drives Him to build an ever deepening relationship with us. We get to experience His agape more deeply and we get to share phileo with Him as we draw closer to Him by entering covenant with Him and keeping His commandments.

Because this is a relationship, the friendship love has to go both ways. We’re supposed to reflect affection right back at God the Father and Jesus Christ. And even though people will tell you that agape is more important than phileo as a type of love, it turns out that having this kind of love for our Creator is not optional.

If any man love not the Lord Jesus Christ, let him be Anathema Maranatha.
1 Corinthians 16:22, KJV

The word anathema (G331) means something that is accursed or given up to destruction. Greek scholar Spiros Zodhiates says it does not “denote punishment intended as discipline but being given over or devoted to divine condemnation.” Maran-atha (G3134) is an Aramaic word which literally means “our Lord has come.”

When you break this phrase down, it’s telling us that someone who does not love–and that is phileo–Jesus Christ will be judged at the Lord’s coming, and probably not in the way they were hoping. It could be translated, “If anyone does not affectionately love the Lord Jesus Christ, let him be set aside for condemnation when the Lord returns.”

How To Become God’s Friends

We’ve covered quite a few verses about loving and being loved by God, so let’s start pulling it all together and answer the question implied by this blog post’s title: How do you become a friend of God? When you boil it down to the main points in the verses we looked at, it actually seems pretty simple:

What James writes about Abraham points out the importance of demonstrating your faith by how you live (James 2:21-22)
Jesus Himself said we need to keep His commandments if we want to be His friends (John 15:13)
Paul shared that it’s vitally important to love Jesus Christ (1 Cor. 16:22)
Jesus shared that His Father’s love is connected to our love for Him and belief in Jesus as the son of God (John 16:27)
Christ’s letter to Laodicea tells us it’s important to accept God’s correction and to let Him into relationship with you (Rev. 2:19-20)

And that’s pretty much it. That’s all you have to do if you want to befriend the creator of the universe. It looks simple in neat little bullet points, but I think we all know that when we start trying to put it into practice it’s not always that easy. The points about how to become God’s friends might be easier to grasp, though, when we think of our experiences making friends with other human beings. The same things that are important in healthy human friendships are important to a relationship with God.

And Now We Add Agape

Before we close, there is one more point I want to make. Let’s think back to when Jesus asked Peter, “Do you love me?” I think Peter initially thought phileo was a better kind of love because of how much it involves emotions. But phileo is not complete on its own; it needs agape added to it. Agape is the kind of love that keeps loving when feelings are gone or when they are crowded out by fear. In that regard, it’s very much like faith which keeps believing even though it can’t see exactly what’s going to happen next. And Peter did learn this lesson, for it’s in his epistle that we are told to add agape to our expressions of phileo for other people.

For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith excellence, to excellence, knowledge; to knowledge, self-control; to self-control, perseverance; to perseverance, godliness; to godliness, brotherly affection (phileo); to brotherly affection, unselfish love (agape). For if these things are really yours and are continually increasing, they will keep you from becoming ineffective and unproductive in your pursuit of knowing our Lord Jesus Christ more intimately.
2 Peter 1:5-8, NET

We need to learn this lesson today just as much as Peter’s first readers did. Our love for God and our fellow believers needs an element of emotion and feeling–we’re supposed to be friends with them. Our love also needs to be stable and unconditional because we must act with love even when we don’t feel “in love.” Both types of love are needed to maintain a friendship with God.

God’s Friends

20 December, 201420 December, 2014Marissa

Disney explains Greek words for love, by Blair a.k.a. GraphiteDoll

When we talk about love in the bible, the word we’re usually discussing is agape. It’s one of several Greek words for love, and is typically described as “godly” or “unconditional” love. There’s also storge (family love), eros (romantic love), and phileo (friendly love).

Agape is an amazing kind of love. It’s the one spoken of in 1 Corinthians 13 and the word used in the phrase “God is love. ” Most times when the word “love” appears in the New Testament, it is translated from a form of agape.

But the other kinds of love are amazing as well, and I think we can overlook the importance of phileo in our fixation with agape (storge and eros are not found in scripture).

Friend of God

Philos (G5384) is the root word for a whole family of words having to do with love. It’s basic meaning is “friend” — someone who is dear, a beloved companion. The derivative phileo is the form more often translated “love.” It means “to have affection for someone.” Zodhiates notes that it is rarely used of man’s love toward God, but is used of the disciples’ love for Jesus. Both agape and phileo are used of God’s love toward man. Simply put, phileo involves adopting someone’s interests as yours.

the Father Himself loves you, because you have loved Me, and have believed that I came forth from God. (John 16:27)

By using the word phileo in this passage instead of agape, Christ is telling us that God feels affection for us. He is fond of those who love His Son, and He has shared interests with us.

A chapter earlier, Jesus tells His disciples, “You are My friends if you do whatever I command you” (John 15:14). That word is philos. The disciples would have known about the connection between these two words, and I suspect what Christ was telling them was that they could be friends with the Father as well as with Him, just as Abraham was.

And the Scripture was fulfilled which says, “Abraham believed God, and it was accounted to him for righteousness.” And he was called the friend of God. (James 2:23)

James tells us that Abraham was called God’s friend after “he offered Isaac his son on the altar.” That situation was an example of works and faith going together in a way that perfected Abraham’s faith (James 2:21-22). At that point, Abraham had faithfully demonstrated for years that his interests were in line with God’s plan.

Abraham is not the only person in the Bible who God treated as a friend. We’re told “the Lord spoke to Moses face to face, as a man speaks to his friend” (Ex. 33:11). God called David “a man after My own heart, who will do all My will” (Acts 13:22). As their interests lined up with God’s and they moved in the direction God was leading, they became His friends. Christ’s friendship with His disciples followed much the same pattern, and that is the kind of relationship we are now offered with God the Father and with Jesus Christ.

Necessity of Brotherly Kindness

In most places where we are instructed by God to love other people, the word is agape or agapao. But there are a few places where a form of phileo is used instead.

Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another (Rom. 12:10)

Believers are to have this kind of love for one another. If the church is unified in Christ, then the members will share the same goals and interests, because they are also His goals and interests. The brethren will be friendly to one another, and love each other like friends who are closer than family.

But also for this very reason, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue, to virtue knowledge, to knowledge self-control, to self-control perseverance, to perseverance godliness, to godliness brotherly kindness, and to brotherly kindness love. For if these things are yours and abound, you will be neither barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. (2 Pet. 1:5-8)

Both “brotherly kindness” and agape are necessary for us to become the opposite of barren and unfruitful. We must set our hearts on right things, and focus on being friends of God rather than of the world, for whoever “wants to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God” (James 4:4).

The necessity for a friendly kind of love between brethren is made plain not only by verses discussing phileo between believers, but also by verses like Philippians 2:1-4 and Ephesians 4:1-7 that talk about how we should be like-minded and care for one another. Other instructions for us to have phileo hearken back to our discussion about being friends with God. Turns out, having this kind of affection for our Creator is not optional.

If anyone does not love the Lord Jesus Christ, let him be accursed. O Lord, come! (1 Cor. 16:22)

The King James reads, “If any man love not the Lord Jesus Christ, let him be Anathema Maranatha.” The word anathema (G331) means something accursed, or given up to destruction. It does not “denote punishment intended as disciple but being given over or devoted to divine condemnation” (Zodhiates). Maran-atha (G3134) is an Aramaic word which literally means “our Lord has come.” Taken together, it tells us that someone who does not love, phileo, Jesus Christ will be judged at the Lord’s coming, and probably not in the way they were hoping (Matt. 7:21-23). It could probably be translated, “If anyone does not love the Lord Jesus Christ, let him be set aside for condemnation when the Lord returns.”

Add Agape

As vital as phileo is in our relationship with the God-family, it is not enough by itself. We must have phileo, but we must also add agape, as we saw in 2 Peter 1:5-8.

Probably one of the most discussed passages where both phileo and agape are used is in John 21. Here, we find a conversation between Jesus and Peter, after Peter had seen the resurrected Lord and then went back to fishing. In the following quote, I’ve replaced the English word “love” with the Greek word it’s translated from, so you can see which one is used when.

So when they had eaten breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon, son of Jonah, do you agapao Me more than these?” He said to Him, “Yes, Lord; You know that I phileo You.” He said to him, “Feed My lambs.”

He said to him again a second time, “Simon, son of Jonah, do you agapao Me?” He said to Him, “Yes, Lord; You know that I phileo You.” He said to him, “Tend My sheep.”

He said to him the third time, “Simon, son of Jonah, do you phileo Me?” Peter was grieved because He said to him the third time, “Do you phileo Me?” And he said to Him, “Lord, You know all things; You know that I phileo You.” Jesus said to him, “Feed My sheep. (John 21:15-17)

Usually, when I hear people talk about this verse, it’s in the context of agapao being a much higher form of love than phileo. They say Peter just wasn’t quite able to measure up to that kind of love — that he kept falling short of what Christ was asking. From Peter’s perspective, though, I don’t think that was the case. He responded to Christ’s question about agapao by saying, “Yes.” Perhaps what he meant when he added phileo was, “Of course I have agape love for you. You know that — I love you like a brother. We’re friends.”

And yet, Peter had denied Jesus three times just a few days ago (John 18:15-18, 25-27). I think Peter initially thought phileo was a better kind of love because of how much it involves emotions, but phileo needs agape added to it. Agape is the kind of love that keeps loving when feelings are gone or when they are crowded out by fear. Peter did learn this lesson, for it’s in his epistle that we are told to add agapao to our brotherly kindness.

We need to learn similar lessons today. Our love for God and our fellow believers does need an element of emotion and feeling — we need to be friends with them. Our love also needs to be stable and unconditional — we need to act with love even when we don’t feel in love. Both are needed to maintain a friendship with God.

God’s Love Story — PDF online

19 May, 2013Marissa

The final version of what I’m going to call an “e-booklet” is now online. You can download “God’s Love Story” and read a chapter outline at this link.

Here are a couple excerpts. This first is from the introduction.

One reason we gravitate towards tales of heroism, rescue, and love is that there is a basic need in our souls for a relationship with God and His Son. Stories where the handsome prince rides up and rescues the fair princess speak to our longing to know the Prince of Peace, Who laid His life down to rescue His bride from captivity to sin. Jesus Christ is the most powerful, most loving, and most perfect hero-lover to ever exist, far surpassing even the most ambitious human attempts to fashion a story’s hero. The Bible is a living, dynamic book that includes instruction, history, prophecy, and a revelation of the plan of God which reads like a story. My personal theory as to why the Bible reads like a story is because our idea of what makes a good story comes from the sequential narrative God uses to reveal His plan.

This paragraph is from a discussion in Chapter 5 about the Greek words translated “love.”

While agape is a higher kind of love, I think there is something amazing in recognizing that it is not the only love God has towards us. Before His crucifixion, Jesus told His disciples that after His resurrection, “ye shall ask in My name: and I say not unto you, that I will pray the Father for you: for the Father Himself loveth you, because ye have loved Me, and have believed that I came out from God.” (Joh. 16:26-27). The Father has phileo for those who have phileo for His son. This means the Father Himself has common interests and friendship with those who love and believe in His Son. In this context, it is certainly not a lesser love than agape. Philos is an incredible kind of love to share with the creator of the universe.

I hope those of you who choose to download and read the full e-booklet find it edifying and encouraging. I would love to hear your feedback.