INFJ User Guide

INFJ User Guide

Marissa

Congratulations on the procurement your new INFJ!* INFJs are highly sought after in the personality type collecting world given their extremely rare nature. INFJ spotting is a very difficult hobby, requiring forays into the deepest recesses of bookstores, yoga studios, and the internet. Keeping an INFJ in your life once you’ve found one can be even more of a challenge.

INFJs are widely considered one of the most amiable and empathetic personalities. Their minds offer a good balance of emotion and logic that helps them relate to most types of people, and they highly value commitment and relationships. As introverts, though, they have limited social energy and they don’t maintain relationships with most of the people they meet. Once you’ve found an INFJ, taking your acquaintance to the level or friendship, or relationship, isn’t simple. That is, unless you have this user guide.

INFJ User Guide | marissabaker.wordpress.com

Overview of the INFJ

The INFJ is a strange sort of creature, often compared to unicorns. Their uniqueness is a result of two things: the way their brains/personalities are hardwired and the rarity of their personality type. What’s perfectly normal for an INFJ seems unusual among humanity as a whole because so few people function this way. Understanding your INFJ’s basic functions is the first step towards successful interaction with the INFJ.

Basic Processes:

  • Introverted Intuition — advanced pattern recognition software used to connect seemingly unrelated bits of information to get at the “big picture.” Sees multiple sides to every situation and often includes complex daydreams, multiple inner worlds, conversations that never happened, and plans to unite humanity.
  • Extroverted Feeling — a.k.a the emotional sponge. Picks up on other people’s feelings, emotions, and needs. Empathizes on every level, mirrors others to fit-in and meet them where they are, tries to meet needs without being asked. Not so good at handling the INFJ’s own emotions.
  • Introverted Thinking — strategy and logic center. Not as well developed as the feelings side, but often used in connection with Introverted Intuition to make sense of patterns and ideas, as well as formulate plans. May trap the INFJ in an introverted loop where they overthink everything and never reach a decision.
  • Extroverted Sensing — the part of an INFJ that deals with external, sensory information. Rarely works properly. Responsible for the phenomenon that makes INFJs appear graceful one minute then literally trip over their own feet the next. May result in healthy functions such as cooking and gardening, or unhealthy processes such as binge shopping and consuming excessive amounts of pastries.
INFJ User Guide | marissabaker.wordpress.com

Common variations:

INFJs come in different sub-types with their own special powers. Each INFJ may include more than one of these mutations:

  • Chameleon — blends in with the people around them and adapts to any social situation, as if they’re trying on different personalities like masks. The chameleon INFJ may be mistaken for an extrovert.
  • Guru — in-touch with their spirituality and on a quest for personal enlightenment. More than happy to help you toward enlightenment as well.
  • Manipulator — uses their powers of understanding people for their own benefit. Many INFJs do this in moderation, but it can show up excessively in an unhealthy INFJ.
  • Revolutionary — wants to change the world. Typically peaceful (INFJs hate conflict), but may become more forceful if sufficiently provoked and/or disillusioned.
  • Scholar — obsessed with one or more academic fields. Can show up as a hobby or full-time profession. Personal book collection may rival a public library.

Meeting the INFJ

INFJs typically appear quiet yet friendly upon first acquaintance. Like most other introverts, they dislike small-talk, but they can fake it for a while. If you want to have a casual chat about every day subjects, the INFJ will react politely until the conversation ends and then leave, most likely without revealing anything about themselves that they consider important (including the fact that they’re an INFJ).

To get an INFJ to consider you a potential friend, you’ll need to engage them in conversation about something that matters to them. This means taking the conversation to a deeper level, one that gets to the “how” and “why” instead of just “what” and “where.” They’ll want you to share these sort of things about yourself, as well as ask about their own interests. Here are a few examples:

  • “What do you do?” becomes “How did you become interested in that field?”
  • “Where do you live?” becomes “Why do you like/dislike where you live?”
  • “What movies/shows/music do you like?” becomes a discussion about themes in and interpretations of your favorite entertainment

At first, you’ll probably be the one initiating conversations with your new INFJ friend. Once they know you really are interested in talking with them (and if they’re interested in talking with you), they’ll start to open up and make the effort to keep in contact. Keep in mind that understanding is one of the most important things to an INFJ. If they feel like you “get” and accept them, they’ll be more likely to let you get close.

INFJ User Guide | marissabaker.wordpress.com

Advanced Interactions

INFJs sort people into different friendship levels (see this post I write for Jennifer Soldner’s blog). Remember, your INFJ has a limited amount of social energy and they’re only going to spend it on the people who need them the most and/or the ones they care most about (ideally you’re in the latter category). Advanced users who’ve become friends with the INFJ (at least one step-up from acquaintance) will see new sides to the INFJ personality.

  • Active Counselor — INFJs aren’t nick-named “The Counselor” for no reason. Even complete strangers will pour out their life’s problems to INFJs. This often confuses the INFJ, but they’re willing to listen and occasionally offer advice. When you’re close to an INFJ, though, their counseling becomes more active. They listen with the intention of understanding you as completely as possible, and then offering comfort and/or advice as-needed
  • Daydreamer — INFJ have what they call a “rich inner world.” They spend a huge amount of time in their heads, and rarely verbalize what’s going on there. If they trust you enough, though, you might actually get an honest response instead of an evasion when you ask “What are you thinking about?”
  • Deep Thinker — this is one of the quickest ways to level-up your friendship with an INFJ. Once they know you’re comfortable diving deep into discussions, they’re more likely to share their own views. Unlock this mode by being careful not to vilify arguments that you don’t agree with — INFJs don’t mind respectful disagreement, but they hate conflict and won’t open up if they think you’d feel threatened by their honest ideas.
  • Playful — a relaxed INFJ in the company of people they’re comfortable with is the exact opposite of up-tight and quiet. You might be surprised how off-beat their sense of humor is and how open they are to new and exciting experiences.
  • Passionate defender — INFJs often feel very strongly that they want to make things right in the world. While they’ll talk about their chosen battles with anyone given the right context, having a friend who’s interesting in the same things and/or supports their passion is huge. Also, they’ll defend you if the need arises.
  • Romantic — INFJs tend to prefer committed monogamy in romantic relationships. They’re highly unlikely to date casually and are searching for someone they can connect with on a soul-mate level. Click here to read about 15 things you should know if you want to date an INFJ..
INFJ User Guide | marissabaker.wordpress.com

Troubleshooting and Support

INFJs are not unbreakable or more resilient than other people. In fact, they tend to be more sensitive (many are HSPs as well as INFJs). Sooner or later, something is going to trigger a stress reaction in your INFJ.

  • Anxiety — many INFJs deal with anxiety of one form or another, often related to over-thinking. Try talking with your INFJ about what triggers their anxiety and finding out if there’s anything you can do to help. In many cases, just knowing you care without judging them is a huge relief.
  • Obsession — stressed-out INFJs may respond by becoming obsessed with controlling the details of their environment. Don’t bother trying to convince them (at least right away) that they’re being illogical. Instead, encourage them to get out in nature, exercise, read a book, see a movie — something to break the cycle inside their head.
  • Overload — too much intensity from other people can overload an INFJ’s extroverted feeling. They need space and alone time to re-charge.
  • Withdrawal — while INFJs need a certain amount of alone-time, complete withdrawal from the world for long periods of time is not normal or healthy. This type is prone to depression, and in some cases need professional help to overcome and/or live with that condition. INFJs are highly unlikely to let you know they want support, but make sure to offer empathy, understanding, and affirmation.
INFJ User Guide | marissabaker.wordpress.com

Disclaimer

There is a limit to how much you can get an INFJ to let you in. No matter how much you want a relationship with an INFJ, the INFJ also has to want a relationship with you for things to work out (either on a close friends level or in a romance). They won’t force their friendship on other people and they don’t like to feel you’re being pushy either.

In addition to feeling understood, connection on a spiritual level is vital for INFJs. In The INFJ Relationship Guide (available to forum subscribers on Introvert Spring), Marko Kircanski and Michaela Chung write, “to an INFJ, connecting in the spiritual realm with someone is absolutely vital! We seek a person who has a beautiful mind, and with whom we can share our deepest thoughts. It’s with that special person that we can reveal our true self. Only then can we allow ourselves to feel vulnerable.”

INFJ User Guide | marissabaker.wordpress.com

What INFJs need most is to feel understood and accepted for who they are. They don’t like it when you assume you know them after only a few days, weeks, months, or even (in some cases) years of acquaintance. They want to feel safe talking with you about anything, and they want to make you feel like you can tell them anything as well. INFJs don’t like one-sided friendships in either direction.

FAQ

Q: My INFJ door-slammed me! Is there anything I can do?

A: Probably not. INFJs don’t door-slam unless they’ve been deeply hurt. It’s a last-resort defense mechanism. If you really want to restore the relationship, let the INFJ know you want to get back into their life and then give them some space. Pestering the INFJ will only board-up the door more firmly.

INFJ User Guide | marissabaker.wordpress.com

Q: What if I think my INFJ suffers from “special snowflake” syndrome?

A: Many INFJs grow up feeling misunderstood and embrace the uniqueness of the INFJ label when they discover Myers-Briggs. If you attack their sense of individuality, the INFJ will react defensively (often by shutting you out of their life rather than direct confrontation). Let your INFJ know you understand that they feel rare, unusual, and out of place, but remember they may also need a reminder that they really are part of the human race. Healthy INFJs won’t insist that they are better than other people or push you away for reminding them that they’re human.

Q: Why is my INFJ obsessed with Myers-Briggs types?

A: I’ll let Elsa answer this question:

Those four little letters mean so much to many INFJs because it means they’re not alone. It means they are not too sensitive, too quiet, too weird, too intense, or whatever other lies they picked up during their childhood. It’s permission to focus on being the best version of themselves instead of tying to fit in with other people.

Q: Why is my INFJ unresponsive? (either staring off into space during conversation or not responding to calls/texts/emails/life).

A: As stated before, an INFJ’s primary method of processing the world is introverted. It’s easy for them to get distracted from the world outside by the world that’s inside their heads. If they look “spaced out,” that usually means they’re thinking about something that is (at least momentarily) more interesting than what’s going on in the outside world. Please don’t poke or shout at the INFJ to get their attention — speaking to them or a light touch should be enough to bring them back.

When an INFJ stops responding to communication attempts that don’t take place in person, there are several possible explanations. It could be similar to what’s going on when they get distracted by their inner worlds, in which case they should get back to you eventually. Or they might not think your comment needed a response. Or they might be sending the message that they don’t want to talk with you without actually saying that to your face. Or they could be struggling with a stress-reaction (see “Troubleshooting and Support”). Sometimes it’s hard to tell.

Q: Does my INFJ agree with what I’m saying?

This is a hard one. INFJs like to be agreeable (sometimes too agreeable) and tend to avoid conflict, so it’s not always easy to tell whether they’re just listening politely or actually agree with what you’re saying. See my post Your Not-At-All-Confusing Guide To Finding Out If An INFJ Agrees With You for more information.

  • Note: I write this post with humorous intent, as a more light-hearted version of How To Be Friends With An INFJ. I often enjoy reading posts of this type (laughed so much at this one about INTJs, and am indebted to it for this post idea), but I do understand type “user manuals” often come across as condescending or stereotypical. I’ve tried to aim for a more balanced presentation of the INFJ type, and hope I’ve been successful as well as entertaining. Thanks for reading 🙂
  • Featured image by Free-Photos from Pixabay

If you’d like to know more about the INFJ personality type, check out my book The INFJ Handbook. I just updated it with a ton of new information and resources. You can purchase it in ebook or paperback by clicking this link.

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56 thoughts on “INFJ User Guide”

    • Thanks for sharing your post! I really enjoyed it, and love the way you used the computer analogy 🙂
      My first draft for this post included more technology analogies and it just wasn’t working. I asked my INTJ sister about it and she said, “You’re not computers. You’re mutant collector’s items.” I laughed, but I do think that ended up working much better for writing about INFJs.

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      • Haha yes! I think this is a better way to represent INFJs than computers. For one thing, INTPs have hard shells like a computer case, but somehow a bison or something seems more appropriate for an INFJ. Bison appear very docile and peaceful, but underneath all that fluff, they are quite powerful. INTP protection is more like a firewall, and a computer looks like fun when you know what it can do, but it is also hard and unhuggable to most.

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    • This is the first sentence in your second paragraph: INFJs are widely considered one of the most amiable and emphatic personalities.” I’m wondering if you mean “empathetic” as opposed to “emphatic?” Thanks so much for this article!

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  • I will have to commend you; and very much so.

    I’ve run across your articles before as i’ve been studying my own personality type as my Inviduation has been catching up with me with momentous speed for the past year. It has been trying to do this for a long time, but in my ‘younger life’ I did not see its signs until some very particular portents have happened. By way of, of course, Life situations that were of major suffering to make decisions that would change everything.

    IN any event, this is more so about this article, though I know fully it will change into something else – I will repeat myself and come off confusing in some places and appear long winded…and probably and very most likely doubt it after i’ve posted and regret letting loose some things, but in the end, I think it needs to be said.

    I will be reading more of your work, and will be picking up the Handbook (i’ve bought two MBTI related books – both by a Dr. A.J. Drenth – that I felt had a good understanding of the ‘INFJ’ type as i’ve been researching; one of them that goes more ‘in depth’ with the functions…but i’ve been extremely particular as the amount of information everywhere is back and forth and I have a hard time believing in the extravagance of some of them.) for my KindleFire soon just on the grounds that the ‘relatibility’ I rarely find, is there.

    Even then with the above aforementioned books, I find it hard and confusing with some things as I can relate (especially with the book ‘My True Type’) too on many more levels than what many places pander that a ‘INFJ’ should not be so coherent too.

    I suppose that is where I find things the most troubling, but reading over some of your work has made me feel a lot better. This does include a dream I had that while I was confused with far too much information being read as a means of contradiction to my psyche; it vehemently pushed I AM an INFJ and defiantly woke me up and that I should not deny it due to words pandered on ‘paper’.

    The constant struggle of self doubt, though to be honest I already KNEW but…I am, like all humans, subject to disillusion when it seems I can cater to multiple venues even if certain attributes I definitely do not correlate with. Not so much with INFJ, but the other types that have functions I can relate with. I am pretty much dead on for my personality type; but I can dip into my shadow functions and comprehend them, this including my lesser Se. And it is hell ‘feeling’ the negatives and knowing they are coming…but stopping them by quelling them with ‘logistical’ thinking fueled by emotion to not become a Negative has been heavily influential in stopping a ‘grip’ reaction. I’ve read about that in one of your other articles and that was an ‘Ah HA’ moment if ever. I’d never heard of it – it and ‘Flow’ were new to me, and both terms I can readily say i’ve felt. ‘Flow’ to me is what they tried to coin as a ‘mania’ or ‘manic’ reaction for me…but I know that isn’t the case. I’ve had my fair share of ‘mental’ breakdowns and overly depressed situations and medication and diagnosis…but the latter two never settled. Medication never worked. It was the UNDERSTANDING and coming to terms with my Self and those things that ‘took me’ that broke me out of that vetted depression that so many can’t seem to pull themselves out of.

    I have been labeled very ’emotionally strong’ by those who have known me, especially those who knew me before ‘the Becoming’. As stated, my younger years were…something else entirely. I wasn’t a drug addled drunk or anything like that; but I was someone who wasted their life away on food and video games/anime and even my art via fandoms to distance myself from the biggest part of Becoming. Growing up.

    I want to be a grown up now. I want to be Real. It makes it hard when relating with many of my friends who still live in those ‘spaces’…and I have to wear a mask, nod, as my inner thoughts flood with a growling sensation as I am very much intuitively pushed away from what I deem as ‘negative’ from my own personal experience. But sometimes I wonder if it has become far too stretched out…but I suppose in the end, what does that matter when for me – I am becoming Whole.

    I’ve read in a previous article how you have ‘levels’ as far as friends go. You use the same exact form as I, which was interesting.

    Close friends, friends, and acquaintances. My inner circle is very small; and even then only three do I even have enough faith and trust in (the one I no longer speak too being one of them) do I divulge the inner workings…I don’t think anyone truly could comprehend on a rational level.

    “I would rather be Whole then Good.” has said. I agree with this statement…but doesn’t make it any less hard wanting to care for people close to you that at the same time you want away from you as you draw on their ‘energy’, sense it, and do not want a relapse in sensory overload.

    I work full time, but at night. Thankfully I don’t deal with so many people as I can become emotionally over burdened and can see it acting out with my aggressive or not wanting to ‘talk’ to people. And yet I can, when i’m actually not stunted with over the top sensations – be very extroverted. I had two people coin me this; saying I was one…but this is not the case at all. I have a horribly high distaste for people who use the ‘introversion’ card to stay inside and hide and not deal with people. Yes, I ‘recluse’ BUT I shove myself out the door because I want to feel people around me and be reminded of humanity. Surely the need for necessities plays part but there are times I do ‘cage myself up’ but then know when its time to be around people. Due to full time work i’m around them a lot and haven’t had much time ‘to myself’ so, I guess the build up is just intense. I’ve done very well not to snap though, haha…and that is saying something from my younger days from too much emotional build up and it blowing up in some of the most terrifying ways – my middle/high school days are a good example…I scared people. But I think now a days its in the same vein, I scare people…but its different. It sounds weird, but I think they sense i’m ‘different’. People have told me i’m tense, and I come off standoffish.

    I’ve told people before, even before I got into reading up on INFJs, that a lot of the time i’m very hard to approach because i’m tense. I read about how many are ‘friendly’ on the outside, but I definitely exude more ‘serious’ air unless i’m in a ‘flow’ moment and have had time to ‘recharge my batteries’ to full. I really don’t like small talk. But I have to for customer service. For talking to the ‘big bosses’. Things like that. I am also very truthful, so anyone asking me ‘how was your day’ and me responding with ‘Oh, its pretty bad. Thanks for asking.’ comes off pretty detrimental i’m sure, but who would I lie about how I feel? I despise lying; and those lies i’ve told in the past, especially to myself, have completely evolved my way of thinking as to how I will not fall into that guise again. People just do not like the truth, and in my mind’s eye…why should I care what they think? The truth helps you grow stronger; even if it hurts. But maybe i’m putting too much emphasis on how people would rather stagnate and settle or just are ‘there’ and do not comprehend this as I do.

    I overthink. Very quickly. Notice how this comment string has jumped from topic to topic. Gotta love it.

    Anyway…this ‘weirdness’. This ‘strangeness’. Back to it then. This would coin up to how I was treated even before when I was a kid…by adults, of all things. Even if I was ‘normal’ on the outside. Maybe my imagination and ‘concepts’ were too much. But I don’t see how that is applicable to a little girl wanting to play with dinosaurs and My Little Ponies. I just wasn’t like the ‘other kids’. I even judged teachers looking back…obviously on a very small rational level as my thought processes were not that well defined…but apparently that is another clear marker of the ‘INFJ’. It got me into trouble, that I do recall.

    I’ve learned that the hard way, and working to actually control them has been a feat of great magniture. I will add I also study Carl Gustav Jung and what i’ve read means a lot to me, as with most works I encounter…it seems i’ve somehow already passed these stages and reading about them puts more strength behind my endeavors); and I can very much relate with the ‘types’ of INFJ you mention above.

    I was the Manipulator in my youth. I didn’t know how to control it, but could control people. Friends and family and loved ones. I have grown exponentially from those times – as made note of earlier in this post due to life. I’ve been open to life in that way, compelled to follow that ‘power’ in my internal world.

    I won’t go on about it, that would decree far too much on me…but, I will say that being able to come to terms with one’s Shadow and being able to transcend with it and in short, becoming one with their Ego and finally propogating the Self, is probably one of those things I find that a lot of these people who speak of INFJs and their inability to comprehend their own emotions are lacking. Maybe they are close, but maybe not.

    This is why I have my indiscretions. I have become the ‘Guru’ and have always been ‘The Chameleon’. I’ve changed how I act to relate, and in those moments looking back so how I started to regress into a far more vapid and temperamental thing as something in the back of my mind would quake at how ‘this is not you’ on a constant until I had to face it and know it was true. That acceptance really does set you free.

    So, as it can be plainly seen I can type quite a bit in a short amount of time as these things come to me without any real fore thought. I just ‘know’ as they put it. I will maintain that a lot of this self discovery was brought upon by a ‘door slam’ on someone I held and STILL hold most dear…but I could not viably survive in their shadow knowing that they could not open their heart to me, even though I could feel it and ‘hear’ it in the time frame we were together. They were my most current catalyst – and writings like these only help in reminding i’m on a better path. I still hope they come back to terms and become ‘real’ again; but that is the thing there…something I find troubling in some places about INFJs and types in general.

    I’ve found some that speak more along the lines of, besides the inability to understand their own emotions, INFJs do not ‘trial and error’ as much. That is more something akin to other personality types – and I find that ludicrous. But then again, this is my views. I am highly judgemental due to my ability to comprehend my hardest of trials and understand – so its easier for me at this frame of my life to usher forth that understanding that ‘It will be as it will be’ with a feeling that I already ‘know’ an outcome I cannot see. This does not work ultimately, all the time, but…

    Anyway, yes. This is getting long. Its mostly due to, as I said, a rare form of relatibility I rarely find.

    I’ve joined a couple of forums as well, wanting to be able to try and ‘talk’ to people. But i’m put off. I have my reasons, but a lot of them stem from when I see people are being ‘young’ I only think of myself, and how I feel on a personal level you cannot comprehend any of this until Life has proverbially ‘destroyed you’ and you must grow from that strength or ‘die’. And even if many of these people ‘clamor’ to be of this personality type, many of them I feel use it as any form, a crutch to be the ‘special snowflake’ without actually rationalizing anything beyond that. But I feel that is what our society has decreed on most young people. It is an enablement factor that is distressing.

    And, that brings another point to me…I always read about INFJs ‘caring’ about people.

    I will say I care about people. I ‘feel’ them and it bothers me. Mostly because now I am so self aware, that I can even sense the change as soon as some are near me. I change my way of speaking, the way I move, the way I act and can see it happening and in the back of my mind KNOW it…but still the words come out as I try to ‘talk’ to people. Small talk is not good for me, no. But once I start talking about life experiences and what I feel is the heart of the matter, I can go on forever.

    I guess it boils down to I don’t trust what I read by some people claiming to be something – I should not judge, but, that is the way of it.

    I protect myself moreso, and those closest to me. I want humanity to be a better place – but in my mind I am like Morgan Freeman’s character from Se7en…its hard to put a lot of faith in people when they are not ‘awake’. But I also very much relate to ‘John Doe’ from the same movie.

    I believe, both are two different sides of the coin of INFJ type. I’m sure you’ve seen the movie – but if not…well, its one of my ‘Unconscious’s favorites and I always wondered why I could sit and watch it over and over again, but yet those movies I love pertaining to subjects I really like I can’t watch for long without getting bored. Even just listening to them.

    Its a mix of that, and the religious concepts behind it (my religious views are an interesting personal mix drawn from what i’ve been through…but I do believe in ‘God’, just not in the same way as my Christian et al friends do.) that really hit the ‘ball home.’

    I’m sure this has been confusing, but, my ‘heart spilled out on paper’ never came out very clean.

    I confuse even my friends who claim to be INFJ. They just listen and don’t know what to say. This is not to make myself out as some over the top ‘Unicorn’ (ironically, something I am exasperatingly passionate about since I was younger…but only now has the memories of how much I loved them come back from the old days due to said situation with the One that I care about), but I find it hard to deal. I become a recluse, but then want to be around people. I draw to vent out my emotions now, and it makes me happy people can see those emotions in these images when all I used to draw was fan art and such…even with the emotion vented into those, they were not corporeally ‘mine’.

    Sorry for the length; but this is what happens when something resonates. I’ll be sure to keep up with your blog from now on as I continue on my own journey. There needs to be more around that have the ‘air’ of understanding. Or are on the ‘level’ I seek out. That ‘judgement’ factor is high in me, I will not deny.

    Its hilarious as in person, no one ever catches on to how I ‘really’ am under the surface. As stated above, I can be tense to an obscene amount that it radiates off me…OR…I can come off very dubiously childish and bubbly. I make funny noises, act weird openly, and say commentation to relate and make others ‘relax’ around me, mostly in the work place. I make comments about my ‘aggression’ sometimes, but they are taken in jest by most people because they view this ‘mask’ I wear so readily.

    I guess that just adds to the ‘loneliness’, and i’ve tried to fill voids enough to never do it again. Especially after the last falling that still plays taut with my heart strings. But, what can you do? I do have my Self. Finding it MADE all the difference. I know in my heart I cannot be with anyone who isn’t close or at least open to the ability to ‘grow’…because I would in turn ‘eat their heart’.

    I will not put myself in situations that negatives befall me; and i’m constantly reminded by those around me how so many settle…and I cannot for the life of me ever do that, despite how much I want to have that deep connection. I had it…and I somehow feel it still there. But, its not ‘here’ in true form, just in some weird spiritual guise that I can only comprehend in the back of my mind and heart.

    No, realistically my Self Love does not fill all the voids, I am but human (they physical aspect is a major one but it is livable when compared to wasting life away with the ‘wrong’ type out of pure need to fill a ‘said’ void), but, its better than living in constant denial and depression thinking (like I used too) with the ‘Oh woe is me!’ and ‘why me!?’ etc and even to the point of blaming God for my own inability to figure myself out during horrifyingly hard life situations. Self love, the real kind, is so hard to come to terms with but when you do…its power is stronger than anything i’ve experienced. Still something to ‘tame’ at times, but, that is where being able to rationalize emotions and deal with them and personality views come into play. You just ‘know’. You have to, to survive.

    One of these days I really want to meet ‘another’ INFJ in person. A real one. Besides myself – only one of my closest friends i’ve been drawn too since I moved to the states back in ’94 and still am close too is one…

    …And the one that I care about most on a different level, that ‘ran’ away from me. He is the catalyst as stated for this perpetual personal evolution and inviduation. Love like that is beautiful and frightening when you can hone it to become better knowing in the end you must love yourself beyond everything. In short: I feel he was one too…but not awake. Even my aforementioned friend above has all the marks, but she isn’t fully awake either. I try to bring forth that enlightenment; I feel the closest to her in short even past my own family, that ‘Soul Mate’ factor I read about. And it is humorous to me as she is the one that first brought up to me ages ago, but I never saw it until I ‘woke up’ myself.

    …but in the end, you cannot make people SEE these things by just you, they have to see it in themselves. I believe in that, and in personal growth through ‘fire’. Natural Selection and Survival of the Fittest resonate with me, which is why despite my ‘caring’ for other people…once they show they cannot comprehend their actions and they are not on a level of ‘sureness’ I care deeply about, I dub them in a place of weakness and become distant from. I care so much, but then care so little. Or, appear to not care. Hmm.

    ‘God only helps those who help themselves’. Lyrics from one of my favorite songs by OneRepublic. Preacher. I think it sums up my views on the relative here for people who cannot ‘move on’ or live in their own squalor by not facing their own hearts.

    So many songs resonate with me, and they inspire my inner world’s ‘creative’ flow. If you’ve never heard of ‘Sleeping at Last’, a lot of his music is something to behold with a mix of emotion and religious symbolism I find enlightening. Never have I enjoyed full albums completely – and I have almost all of them. Even the covers to other songs change in the wake of his voice.

    Thanks for the time; and keep up the good work. If you made it through to the end, despite all the grammar i’m sure I mucked up on…well, kudos.

    Take care.

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    • Thank you so much for your comments! I really enjoyed reading them (and I would have replied earlier, except we were hosting my brother’s grad party yesterday and I was just overwhelmed with everything), and I’m so glad to hear you found my articles relatable.

      I’ll just comment on a couple of your points … I’ve also found quite a few INFJ articles that don’t quite seem to get at the heart of the type. They’re too stereotypical, or too shallow, or just lacking something. It’s frustrating, and I always love it when I find another INFJ blogger online who I can really relate to and who isn’t sugar-coating or skimming-over type discussions. There’s a lot more variation within types than I think we often assume. The “INFJs are extremely friendly” is one stereotype I don’t really fit either. I was shocked a couple weeks ago when a new friend (a guy who self-tests as INFJ) described me as “a more social INFJ than” him. I just kinda blinked at him. Social? me? usually people go with “quiet” to describe me, if they’re feeling nice. And even though I’m sure I’m INFJ in MBTI, there are functions in other types I really relate to. Introverted Feeling in particular, especially when reading Personality Hacker articles since they nick-name that function Authenticity. The notion of being my authentic self really resonates with me, especially lately.

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  • I agree with many of your thoughts on the INFJ, not all, but many. Might be because I’m an old INFJ and I know how it feels to be an old INFJ. It’s different than being a young one, much different. It may be even better than being young.

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    • Thanks for your comment! I try to make my posts as inclusive as possible for the many different people with INFJ personality type, but I know there’s always going to be aspects of what I write that don’t resonate with everyone. Especially since I’m only 27, so my experiences as an INFJ are limited to being young. So many people treat getting older as scary — it’s nice to hear from an INFJ who thinks it may be even better than being young 🙂

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  • This was beautifully helpful and I look forward to reading more of your work in the future! I read to inform myself about myself and it gives me that same sense of authenticity feeling that I know who I really am. Thank you for taking your time to share this with the world!

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  • This. Is. Great. Rarely do I ever comment on things I read online, but this is just what I needed. A humorous handbook to understanding MYSELF. (I also promptly sent it to my husband, figured he could use the help) Great job and thanks.

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  • Pingback: Your INFJ* User Guide | Thoughts in Flow

  • I’m an INFJ and every since I found out, I have a Pinterest board full of links and images about my type. So far, everything is so me. But I’ve read for the first time in this post that INFJs are obsessed with MBTI and it’s so true!!
    Great post! I really enjoyed reading it.

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  • This was very helpful for learning about myself and learning about the man I loved with all my heart and soul. In the end he said I never Loved him. In the past month Ive learnd alot about how and why and INFJ feels the way they do. Why I like my space and like to live the way I do. Also why a very true person to me felt I didn’t care or love enough. I have grown form this information. Thank you for sharing this it was extremely helpful. I think ut is an aticle a person could read if they were interested in starting a relationship with a person like myself. THANK YOU so very much.
    Sincery Sandra

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    • Sorry to hear about what happened in your relationship. That must have been terribly difficult for you.
      Thank you for commenting — you’re very welcome, and I’m glad I could help

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  • Hi there… I enjoy reading this post.. 🙂 it makes me laugh, because i imagined myself to that.. I’m also an INFJ.. I like the way you write this post, it has a “positive” feeling for me while reading it.. Keep it up!!! 🙂

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  • Hi Marissa,
    I’m very enjoying your article as my self an INFJ as well and all things on your article are right. I like the way your article make me positive, thanks 🙂

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    • Exactly. I feel like I want them to read it soooo badly, because I want them to understand. But immediately I know that even if they do, they’ll just take it with a pinch of salt and continue to look at me like I have two heads. People never seem to actually modify their thought processes when presented with new information, and it’s so frustrating. I must’ve had the “You should make more friends” conversation with the same person 200 times, despite explaining repeatedly that no, dude, that’s not who I am.

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  • I’m an INFJ, and I’m genuinely staring at a package containing the remaining half of a cake I just ate. The cake is supposed to serve ten people. Ten. I ate enough cake for five adult humans.

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  • This is exactly me. It’s comforting to know that I am not crazy. I have been judged as cold and distant but it’s not true. I often wondered if I was just normal. Haven’t found anyone who accepts me for who I am. Relationships are difficult. Not giving up!

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  • Pingback: The Ultimate List of INFJ Resources – Created to Create

  • Before taking the MBTI personality test I had gone through life happily but yet always knowing that I was somehow different in personality to the majority of other people. Now that I know my personality to be INFJ everything is so much clearer and it’s reassuring to learn that there are many others with similar personality traits to my own even though we are the rarest type around. Your article was so accurate in almost every aspect. Well done and thanks.
    David.

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  • Marissa, I sincerely appreciate your efforts at discovering your Self. I believe that this is the first order of responsibility that the Lord commands of His followers. This process of introspection is also the Path that all other religions and philosophies speak of in their historical and social-cultural contexts. Since you have been moved by the MBTI model of personality categorization, I hope you avail yourself of the rest of the Jungian theoretical corpus. His cross-cultural analysis points to the universalism of what Christians term Christ Consciousness. Jung simply secularizes the same concept under the term the Collective Unconscious.

    My problem with all particular group terminology is that it is purposefully elitist. By creating a specialized lexicon, all tribes make themselves distinctive. Speaking the unique language of the ‘in group’ implicitedly reveals the ‘out group’. The OT tells tell story of the ‘shibboleth’, the unique tribal pronunciation that served as a password identifier of ‘friendlys’.
    When we MBTI students fall into ‘MBTI-speak’ and conceptual categories, we create more than Babel’s babble; we create friends and foes. We need to consider our desire for personal distinction when we complexify, instead of simplifying.

    I would like to serve as a resource to your Self-discovery My souls pursuit of wisdom has left me wandering in the wilderness for the last forty years. Along the way, I have fought many battles with my own angels and daimons, but my heart has been pure in the pursuit. If you would like, we could explore The Force as members of the same Rebel Alliance.

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