One of my most popular posts on this blog is one I wrote back in 2016 called “The Vanishing INFJ.” Not only does it get quite a bit of traffic, but I’ve heard from several INFJs who contacted me specifically about the idea of them “vanishing.” It’s often something they hadn’t realized about themselves, but recognized immediately when they read my article.
Many INFJs have a tendency to drop out of contact with people. We get distracted by the world inside our own heads and might cancel plans, respond very briefly to communication attempts, or ignore other people entirely. Some INFJs might do this very rarely, other quite frequently. It depends on a variety of factors, including the INFJ’s priorities, maturity, personal growth, and how much social energy they have left after dealing with the people they come in contact with each day.
As an INFJ, you might think it’s perfectly normal to go months without contacting someone. You might not even notice it if you’re used to retreating inside your head for long periods at a time. Or perhaps you do notice it, but you worry about intruding on others and so you don’t like to reach out first. Maybe this time your vanishing is prompted by some outside influence, such as the social distancing regulations designed to help stop the spread of the Covid-19 pandemic.
As you become aware of your tendency to “vanish,” you might also notice that it can have a negative effect on your relationships. Assuming these are relationships you value, you’ll want to find ways of keeping in touch with the people you care about and not letting your “vanishing” get in the way. Here are five tips for keeping in touch with people even when you’d be more comfortable withdrawing.
1) Give Yourself Alone Time
This may seem a weird place to start a list of tips for keeping in touch with people. After all, “alone” is the opposite of keeping in touch. It’s one of the things that happens when you vanish.
INFJs are introverts, however, and that means we need a certain amount of introvert time. One of the reasons we may want to vanish is because we’re burned-out and need some time to recharge. Before you try to push yourself to reach out to others, make sure you’re taking care of yourself as well. Read more →
What sort of thing makes God pay attention to a human being? Is it loud shouting from morning to evening, as the prophets of Baal did in 1 Kings 18? or putting yourself in danger so He’ll save you, as Satan counseled Christ to do in Matthew 4? Or wearing Bible quotes on your clothes and making sure people know how much money you give to the church, much like the Pharisees did in Matthew 23?
Clearly, those are all horrible examples. The first comes from people who turned their backs on the one true God, the second from the adversary himself, and the third from religious leaders Christ condemned for their legalism. But do we ever try anything similar, thinking that we need to sing longer, preach louder, or do more in order to make God notice us?
It’s easy to fall into this trap, especially in a culture where we’re constantly told we need to stand out to get ahead. However, the things that make us stand out to the world aren’t necessarily the same things that catch God’s eye. There are several places in the Bible where God describes what type of person He will pay attention to, and it’s not always what we might think.
Sigh and Cry
I’ve talked about the practice of lament quite a bit in the past few weeks, so it makes sense to start there (see “Learning How To Lament” and “Trusting God When You’re Confused By Him: A Study of Lamentations 3“). Lament is a prayer of painful complaint, where you bring complicated emotions to God and re-affirm that you trust Him even when you’re hurt and confused. It’s most likely what these people Ezekiel writes of were doing:
and he called to the man clothed in linen, who had the writer’s inkhorn by his side. Yahweh said to him, “Go through the middle of the city, through the middle of Jerusalem, and set a mark on the foreheads of the men that sigh and that cry over all the abominations that are done within it.”
To the others he said in my hearing, “Go through the city after him, and strike. Don’t let your eye spare, neither have pity. Kill utterly the old man, the young man, the virgin, little children and women; but don’t come near any man on whom is the mark. Begin at my sanctuary.” (Ezk. 9:3-6, all quotes from WEB translation)
You can read the context for this in Ezekiel 8 through 11. Ancient Israel had once again departed from God and He intended to punish them, but a certain group of people caught his eye. He marked the people who recognized and lamented the abominations done within their nation and even within the Lord’s sanctuary.
God tells us that He is unchanging, the same yesterday today and forever. If in the past He was looking for people who cared deeply about His ways and were heartbroken when others do evil, then we can assume He is still looking for the same today. One way to get God’s attention is to join Him in grieving over the abominable things done in the world around us.
Yahweh says, “Heaven is my throne, and the earth is my footstool. What kind of house will you build to me? Where will I rest? For my hand has made all these things, and so all these things came to be,” says Yahweh: “but I will look to this man, even to he who is poor and of a contrite spirit, and who trembles at my word.” (Isaiah 66:1-2)
God is not impressed with wealth, pride, and power. He doesn’t need us to build more impressive temples and churches, or give more impressive offerings. He just wants us to be the kind of people He can work with; the sort who will listen to Him and recognize how much we need Him.
Humans tend to think that we need to do something impressive to be noticed, but that’s not how God operates. Instead, He chooses people wise enough to know that they are foolish, weak, lowly, and nothing without Him (see “Growing In The Wisdom From God” and 1 Corinthians 1:25-29). He gives the kingdom of heaven to those who are “poor in spirit” (Matt. 5:3). Those who fear the Lord and honor His name are treated as His own special possession (Mal. 3:16-17). If you want to get His attention, then you have to get out of your own way and be vulnerable with Him.
There’s a verse in Proverbs that says, “Yahweh’s eyes are everywhere, keeping watch on the evil and the good” (Prov. 15:3). There’s nothing hidden to Him, even what’s inside us (Jer. 16:17; 17:10). He is able to see everything, and He’s looking for something specific.
For Yahweh’s eyes run back and forth throughout the whole earth, to show himself strong in the behalf of them whose heart is perfect toward him. (2 Chr. 16:9)
The Hebrew word for heart can refer to our whole inner man, and “perfect” means complete, whole, safe, and at peace (lebab, H3824, and shalem, H8003). God is far more concerned with our inner man than the outer appearance (1 Sam. 16:7), and it catches His eye when we’re whole-heartedly seeking Him.
He doesn’t just take notice for no reason, either. He looks for these sorts of people so that He can act powerfully on their behalf. It would be more than enough just to have the Creator of the universe notice us but He goes several steps further. He enters into our lives and shows Himself strong for us when we’re seeking a relationship with Him.
Sins separate us from God. Removal of sins is needed for us to have a close relationship with God, which is one reason Christ died to take away sin. When we “miss the mark” of righteousness, we can repent and ask for forgiveness, and Christ will keep cleansing us of sin so we can be in God’s presence. That does not, however, mean we shouldn’t try to do what God says is right. Jesus said that if we love Him, we will keep His commandments (John 14:15, 21; 15:10). And as we keep growing toward perfection and remain faithful to Him, He considers us righteous.
Yahweh’s eyes are toward the righteous. His ears listen to their cry. Yahweh’s face is against those who do evil, to cut off their memory from the earth. (Psalm 34:15-16)
Peter quotes this in his first epistle, leaving no doubt that these words are relevant for New Covenant Christians as well as the psalmist of old (1 Peter 3:8-12). Being righteous involves loving God and doing what He says. And that simple act of obedience and faith is enough to catch God’s seeing eye and listening ear.
If we want to draw closer to God, we can’t rely on our own way of doing things or on conventional human wisdom. We must do things God’s way. The things that catch His attention are the things that make us more like Him. He will respond when we humbly seek Him, when we’re heartbroken over what breaks His heart, when we’re whole-hearted before Him, and when we pursue righteousness so that we can fellowship with Him.
Most of us know that we can change. In fact, since you’re reading a blog where I talk about personal growth and development from a Christian perspective, I dare say most of you are actively trying to change for the better. We believe we can grow. We believe we can become better versions of ourselves. We believe in change and new beginnings.
But do we believe the same thing of other people? Do you think everyone you meet is capable of the same level of change that you are? Maybe you can say “yes” to these questions as an abstract idea. But if other people are changing and growing, do you suppose that you would notice?
I’m sure most of us would like to think that we hold space for others to grow. We probably also like to think we’d recognize change when we see it, but research indicates that most of us aren’t very good at this. To quote Psychology Today, “People tend to get attached to their initial impressions of others and find it very difficult to change their opinion, even when presented with lots of evidence to the contrary.” We tend to size people up quickly and then stick with our initial impressions even if we see proof that we were wrong. Read more →
A couple of weeks ago, we talked about the practice of lament. It’s something we rarely discuss in modern Christianity, but it makes up more than 1/3 of the psalms and you can find lament throughout the rest of scripture as well. Instead of hiding their pain, people who lament take it to God in prayer. They turn to Him, bring their complaint in an honest, heartfelt way, ask boldly for help and then, equally boldly, choose to trust in God. I ended that first post about learning how to lament with a quote from my favorite passage in Lamentations:
This I recall to my mind; therefore I have hope. It is because of Yahweh’s loving kindnesses that we are not consumed, because his compassion doesn’t fail. They are new every morning. Great is your faithfulness. “Yahweh is my portion,” says my soul. “Therefore I will hope in him.” (Lam. 3:21-24, all quotes from WEB translation)
This passage is lovely and hopeful, but it’s not the whole story of Jeremiah’s lament. It’s not even his concluding thought for this particular poem. Lament isn’t about convincing yourself to be happy. It’s about trusting God even when you’re not sure you want to. It’s about inviting Him to help you deal with hurt, loss, confusion, anger, and other complex, painful emotions. Hope is part of it, a key part, but there’s a lot more going on as well.
Feeling as If God Is Failing You
The third poem of Lamentations (each of the 5 chapters in this book is a separate poem) begins with the words, “I am the man who has seen affliction by the rod of his wrath.” Unlike other poems in Lamentations, Jeremiah doesn’t start by talking about all of the Lord’s people and how their sufferings affect them. This is about him and what God has done to him, personally. Jeremiah begins this poem talking about how it feels to believe that God is targeting him in particular for intense suffering. Read more →
What do you think of when you hear the word “sensitive”? Chances are, some of the first words that come to mind are things like “weak,” “overly-emotional,” or “unmanly.” Even if your first thought isn’t negative, you probably still don’t think of words like “strong,” “masculine,” or “courageous.”
I’m using words like “unmanly” and “masculine” because today, I want to talk about sensitivity in men. At this point, you might be wondering why a female blogger is writing about how men think about sensitivity. Even with this outside perspective, I’ve seen how cultural definitions of sensitivity affect the men in my life. And even though the way that other men view sensitive men matters a great deal, how women view sensitive men also matters.
When Brené Brown started studying shame and vulnerability, she did not interview men for the first four years. Then at a book signing, a man came up to her and said this:
“You say to reach out and tell our story, be vulnerable. But you see those books that you just signed for my wife and my three daughters? They’d rather me die on top of my white horse than watch me fall down. When we reach out and be vulnerable, we get the shit beat out of us. And don’t tell me it’s from the guys and the coaches and the dads because the women in my life are harder on me than anyone else.” (from Brené Brown’s “Listening to Shame” TED talk).
This man wasn’t talking about high sensitivity but I think a lot of men (including those who are highly sensitive) can relate. Our culture puts unreasonable expectations on men for how they handle anything that makes them seem vulnerable, because for them “vulnerability” (much like sensitivity) is considered weakness. That perspective really needs to change.
I was reading Psalm 119 the other day and one of the verses that caught my eye reads, “It is good for me that I have been afflicted, that I may learn your statutes” (Psalm 119:71, all quotes from WEB translation). Most of us don’t think it’s good when we’re depressed, chastened, weakened, oppressed, and bowed down (those are all meanings of the Hebrew word anah, H6031, which this translation renders “afflicted”). In fact, we’re pretty sure those things sound terrible, especially now that we’re all experiencing some of them as a result of the current pandemic. And yet, this psalmist said affliction was “good” because what they endured helped them learn the Lord’s statues (choq, H2706,could also be translated ordinance, limit, or law).
There’s no getting around it. Christianity is tough. When you think about it, though, it’s not any tougher than life outside the faith and if you’re inside you have God’s help so that balances things out in Christianity’s favor. Jesus promised us His help, presence, and protection but He also assured us that we would face trials, persecution, and suffering. Better teachers than I have tried to explain why — The Problem of Pain by C.S. Lewis and Where Is God When It Hurts? by Philip Yancey, for example — but one thing we can’t get around is the fact that pain is a part of life. And that’s true whether you’re a Christian or not.
One of the ways Christianity helps make sense of suffering is by saying it is a product of a world that has gone wrong. God didn’t want things to be this way, but they are now and until He comes back to set things right He’s going to find ways to make good come out of afflictions.
Delight in the Law
Psalm 119 is an acrostic psalm divided into 22 stanzas, one for each letter in the Hebrew alphabet. There are several verses within this psalm that talk about affliction, and we find the first in the zayin stanza.
Remember your word to your servant, because you gave me hope. This is my comfort in my affliction, for your word has revived me. (Psalm 119:49-50)
A later verse in the lamed stanza puts this idea even more strongly:
Unless your law had been my delight, I would have perished in my affliction. I will never forget your precepts, for with them, you have revived me. (Psalm 119:92-93)
It is not just knowing or obeying God’s law, but finding joy in it that helps get us through tough times. All the knowledge of His words we can gather won’t do us much good unless we really care about what He tells us. But when we hold fast to Him — and by extension His word and the things that He cares about — it’s possible to find comfort, joy, and help even in afflictions. The psalmists did, and we can too. Read more →
Like An Anchor 