One of my most popular posts on this blog is one I wrote back in 2016 called “The Vanishing INFJ.” Not only does it get quite a bit of traffic, but I’ve heard from several INFJs who contacted me specifically about the idea of them “vanishing.” It’s often something they hadn’t realized about themselves, but recognized immediately when they read my article.
Many INFJs have a tendency to drop out of contact with people. We get distracted by the world inside our own heads and might cancel plans, respond very briefly to communication attempts, or ignore other people entirely. Some INFJs might do this very rarely, other quite frequently. It depends on a variety of factors, including the INFJ’s priorities, maturity, personal growth, and how much social energy they have left after dealing with the people they come in contact with each day.
As an INFJ, you might think it’s perfectly normal to go months without contacting someone. You might not even notice it if you’re used to retreating inside your head for long periods at a time. Or perhaps you do notice it, but you worry about intruding on others and so you don’t like to reach out first. Maybe this time your vanishing is prompted by some outside influence, such as the social distancing regulations designed to help stop the spread of the Covid-19 pandemic.
As you become aware of your tendency to “vanish,” you might also notice that it can have a negative effect on your relationships. Assuming these are relationships you value, you’ll want to find ways of keeping in touch with the people you care about and not letting your “vanishing” get in the way. Here are five tips for keeping in touch with people even when you’d be more comfortable withdrawing.
1) Give Yourself Alone Time
This may seem a weird place to start a list of tips for keeping in touch with people. After all, “alone” is the opposite of keeping in touch. It’s one of the things that happens when you vanish.
INFJs are introverts, however, and that means we need a certain amount of introvert time. One of the reasons we may want to vanish is because we’re burned-out and need some time to recharge. Before you try to push yourself to reach out to others, make sure you’re taking care of yourself as well. Read more →
The introvert possibility movement has been a wonderful thing for quiet people. Finally, we introverts are being seen as people with their own unique gifts and talents rather than a “broken” extroverts.
It has also had some unintended negative effects, though. One of these is that some (though of course not all) introverts use their introverted nature to excuse behaviors that most people actually consider rude or annoying. I’ve done it myself from time to time. But it’s not a good things and I really think we should stop.
I hesitated to write this post because so many introverts have been wrongly accused of being rude simply because people misinterpret our introverted natures. We talked about that in a post earlier this week, “5 Things Introverts Do That Might Seem Rude to Others, but Are Actually Normal For Us.” But setting that aside, there are certain things that some introverts do that really can be rude or annoying and which we use our introverted nature as an excuse for. Let’s take a look at five of them.
1) Refusing To Small Talk
I know, I know — introverts hate small talk because it creates barriers between people. Well guess what? Most people hate spending all their time on small talk. But they also recognize that small talk is an important step in relationships and there are times when refusing to engage in small talk is just plain rude. Read more →
Many introverts, including me, have been accused at various time of being rude, annoying, or arrogant. While it’s true that an introvert could be all those things, in many cases the issue is a misunderstanding rather than intentional rudeness on the introvert’s part.
No one should get a pass on being rude, including introverts. But sometimes things that may come across as rude to others are just an accidental “side effect” of how the introvert prefers to interact with the world. Instead of being caused by something the introvert is doing wrong, the idea that we’re rude is based on false assumptions other people make about our motives.
This sort of misinterpretation can come from fellow introverts as well as from extroverts. I’ve heard several people who I know are introverted make comments about how someone who’s quiet (and who I know is uncomfortable in groups) seems stand-offish or stuck-up. Even when we ourselves know what it’s like to be a quiet person we can still misinterpret quietness in others.
1) Watching Instead of Interacting
This is one of the most common things introverts do and it’s also one of the things that’s most often interpreted as being rude. Usually what happens is the introvert is in some kind of group where there’s more than one other person around, and the introvert is watching what’s happening instead of engaging in conversation or participating in an activity.
People assume this is rude when they start pretending they can read minds. They may think the introvert is bored with what’s going on and wants to leave. Some might assume the introvert is silently judging everyone else and feels like they’re “too good” for the people around them. Other could say the introvert must hate people because they’re not having fun.
In the introvert’s head, though, it’s far more likely that they’re enjoying the gathering in their own way. We like listening and observing. We’re comfortable with silence. We’re probably having more fun on the sidelines than we would be as the center of attention. Of course, there’s always a chance that we might be distracted by our own thoughts or trying to think of a polite way to leave because our social batteries have run low but even then most of us don’t mean to be rude.
2) Avoiding Other People
This one can be rude or not rude depending on the context. Actively avoiding someone for no good reason, refusing to answer a friend’s message, or otherwise vanishing from people’s lives is (usually) rude. But it’s not rude to eat lunch alone because you need a break from people during your workday. It’s not rude to decline an invitation to a weekend party because you’ve been doing something social most of the week and need a break.
We need to learn to balance our “introvert time” and our investments in relationships. But the people around us also need to learn that introverts need their down time in order to function. Let introverts recharge and we’ll be much more likely not to avoid all human interaction.
3) Keeping Your Personal Life Private
This should be a no-brainer. After all, someone’s personal life is by definition personal. But sometimes people think it’s rude if someone decides not to share personal information. This is, quite frankly, a “them problem.” Neither introverts nor extroverts are obligated to share things they want to keep private with other people. It’s not rude if you choose not to share personal stories.
Introverts tend to be fairly private people and may keep things to themselves that others are comfortable letting everyone know. If an introvert chooses not to share something with you, don’t take it as a sign that they don’t trust or like you. They might simply be choosing to keep their personal lives private and that’s okay.
4) Being Nervous in Social Situations
Introverts tend to have a limited amount of social energy. While we all have an extroverted side, how strong it is varies depending on the individual introvert. Every introvert can reach a point where socialization is too overwhelming and they’re ready to go home and recharge. Plus, on top of the fact that social situations are draining, many introverts also struggle with nervousness when meeting new people. And some of us have social anxiety and/or shyness that we’re dealing with, too.
A nervous introvert can come across to others as standoffish. The introvert might be panicking about what to say next while the other person thinks its rude that they’re being so quiet. Though some may assume the introvert thinks they’re better than everyone else, it’s much more likely that a socially nervous introvert is just really worried about making a good impression or is wondering why someone wanted to talk with them.
This point sounds like something that no one could misinterpret as rude, but hear me out. What looks to an introvert like simply being polite can look like indifference to someone else. This point is illustrated perfectly in an Introvert Doodles comic comparing what being polite looks like for introverts vs. extroverts.
For example, if an introvert declines an invitation to stick around after they’ve unexpectedly run across someone, they probably mean to be polite by not inconveniencing them. An extrovert in a similar situation might think turning down that invitation is rude or insulting because it sends the message you don’t want to be around the other person. Same situation, different perspectives on what’s polite. Neither perspective is necessarily wrong but if we don’t recognize that there are different perspectives it can lead to misunderstandings.
What are some things you do as an introvert that people have incorrectly interpreted as you trying to be rude?
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