You might meet an INFJ who picks up on so much about you that it seems like they’re reading your mind.
Or perhaps you know an ESFJ so in-tune with how people work in groups that every event they plan is an unqualified success.
You might find yourself in a group lead by an ENFJ who manages to make every single person there feel included.
Maybe you meet an ISFJ who knows exactly how to act in dozens of different social situations and always makes the people they interact with feel valued.
The FJ types all use a mental process called Extroverted Feeling, or “Harmony” (to use Personality Hacker’s nickname). ENFJs and ESFJs use it as their favorite (or primary) mental function. INFJs and ISFJs use it as their co-pilot (or auxiliary) function. Today, we’re going to take a closer look at how this cognitive function helps INFJs, ISFJs, ENFJs, and ESFJs read other people. Read more →
This latter question went in a curious direction that I’ve been pondering for more than a week now. Because PC topics are so emotionally charged, “many of us become emotionally blinded and we don’t bring in a lot of logic,” to quote Jator Pierre. This problem is exacerbated by the fact that most of us don’t know how to take responsibility for how we feel or how to effectively communicate and share in a back-and-forth dialogue.
Taking Away Voices
Wikipedia says the term political correctness “is used to describe language, policies, or measures that are intended to avoid offense or disadvantage to members of particular groups in society.” It sounds good in theory, but in practice it has turned into a culture where certain people try to silence any ideas or words that offed them without caring how that might affect others outside the PC-protected groups. Instead of seeing words as vehicles to communicate different viewpoints and facilitate dialogue, they see words as violent and react defensively.
“Not many of us are taught how to communicate, how to share, how to dialogue, how to hear, how to reflect, and how to notice when we’re emotionally charged to be able to take maybe a step back for a second or two to feel what’s coming up, to notice what’s coming up, and then to continue on with a dialogue. Most of us go into a defended posture, in my experience, and then go on the attack.” — Jator Pierre
It also has the side-effect of encouraging the offended person blame others for how they feel. We’re heading toward a culture where people think they have a right to avoid being offended by someone else. What they don’t realize or care about is that their refusal to hear offensive things leads to them hurting and/or shutting down others who don’t agree with them. Instead of bringing people together the PC movement creates further polarization and enmity. Read more →
I like to keep the people around me happy. I want harmony in all my relationships, and I hate conflict. Take all those (along with a few other personality traits and some insecurities) together, and you end up with someone who’s been a “people pleaser” for most of her life.
It’s normal for FJ personality types to act based on what will meet everyone’s needs and work to maintain harmonious relationships. That’s because they use Extroverted Feeling, or “Harmony,” as their decision-making process. But at some point in their personal growth journey, FJs need to realize that 1) you’re part of the “everyone” whose needs should be met, and 2) it’s impossible to please everyone.
Since writing my post “Are You Ready To Find Your Weirdness?” I’ve been thinking about what effect embracing authenticity will have on interpersonal relationships. One of the things I’ve realized is that instead of trying to adjust my presentation of myself to impress specific people, I need to focus more on bringing my best self to every conversation and interaction. If they’re impressed by that, cool, but if not it’s okay. Failing to please everyone isn’t really failure at all. It’s just something that happens.
We Can’t Please Everyone
It’s impossible to connect with everyone unless you’re adjusting yourself to please them. There’s far too much variety in human beings’ beliefs and preferences for your authentic self to resonate equally well with every person. In fact, if we’re being honest, I’m sure there are some types of people you don’t really want to resonate with. For example, you’d probably worry about yourself if a Klu Klux Klan member felt that you understood and agreed with them 100%. Read more →
If you’ve been a Christian for any length of time, you’ve probably noticed people in the church don’t always act Christ-like. For many, the worst hurts they’ve suffered from another human being came from someone who called themselves “Christian.” Even if that’s not the case for you, I’m sure you’ve seen pettiness, hypocrisy, and other issues among God’s people.
Yet even though we know human beings aren’t perfect, there’s still a tendency to align ourselves with them. We’ve all known people who found a teacher they like so much they’ll follow him even if he contradicts the Bible. Maybe we’ve even been there ourselves, often without even realizing it. We might also have seen churches break into factions when leaders disagree over a point of doctrine, and then followed one of those leaders as the group splits apart.
When you go through something like that often enough, it’s easy to lose trust in other people. Maybe we stop relying on other Christians, or refuse to listen to the ministry, or become obsessively critical of others. We might decided we’re the only reliable authority on scripture and that it’s dangerous to listen to anyone else.
Wanting someone to follow as an authority, or rejecting others and their ideas to avoid getting hurt, are both natural human impulses. But that doesn’t make either of them a good thing. Whenever we trust a human being (including ourselves) more than God, we’re going to get into trouble. We need to find a balance that lets us live in unity with our brethren while following God first and foremost. Read more →
The key to having intimacy with the Lord is to understand his kindness. That’s a statement the Rabbi at a Messianic congregation said in a two-part message called “The Mystery of Kindness” and “The Mystery of Chesed,” and I’ve been thinking about it quite a bit lately.
Chesed is a Hebrew word for goodness, mercy, kindness, and faithfulness. It’s often translated “loving kindness” when used of God, and it’s one of the key attributes of His character. He is “Yahweh, a merciful and gracious God, slow to anger, and abundant in loving kindness and truth” (Ex. 34:6, WEB).
This sort of kindness is something God wants to be known for because it’s a core part of His being. As Christians, we’re supposed to develop His character in us as we “put on Christ” (Rom. 13:14; Gal. 3:27). In order to become like Him, we need to understand who He truly is and that includes an understanding of His chesed.
The Ways God Knows Us
God knows our hearts even better than we know ourselves. He has “searched me and known me.” He knows when I sit down and when I stand up. He knows all my thoughts, my ways, and my words (Ps. 139:1-4). And He knows all of you that way as well because He searches the depths of our hearts.
The heart is deceitful above all things, and it is exceedingly corrupt: who can know it? I, Yahweh, search the mind, I try the heart, even to give every man according to his ways, according to the fruit of his doings. (Jer. 17:9-10, WEB)
God can see and understand us thoroughly all the time. He knows everyone on earth that way. But there are some people that He also knows in a closer, more personal way. He calls those people His friends. If we want to be friends of God a change is required in our hearts. We have to become like God to know God.
The Lord described King David as “a man after my heart, who will do all my will” (Acts 13:22, WEB). He’s one of the examples given in scripture for us to look to and learn how to have a heart like God’s heart. One of the ways that David’s God-like heart showed up was in his kindness.
David sent messengers to the men of Jabesh Gilead, and said to them, “Blessed are you by Yahweh, that you have shown this kindness to your lord, even to Saul, and have buried him. Now may Yahweh show loving kindness and truth to you. I also will reward you for this kindness, because you have done this thing. (2 Sam. 5-6, WEB)
Even though Saul persecuted David, David still respected his position as king and mourned when Saul died. And instead of punishing those who honored Saul with a proper burial, the new king commended them for their kindness and showed kindness to them in return. He didn’t stop there either.
David said, “Is there yet any who is left of Saul’s house, that I may show him kindness for Jonathan’s sake?” (2 Sam. 9:1, WEB)
After locating Jonathan’s son Mephibosheth, David had him brought to the palace.
David said to him, “Don’t be afraid of him; for I will surely show you kindness for Jonathan your father’s sake, and will restore to you all the land of Saul your father. You will eat bread at my table continually.” (2 Sam. 9:7, WEB)
The Lord’s Kindness
David showed this sort of kindness — chesed — because he’d learned it first-hand from God. He’s the one who wrote, “loving kindness shall follow me all the days of my life,” which we talked about a couple weeks ago. Since it was such a big part of David’s faith, Yahweh’s loving kindness is a frequent theme in his psalms.
All the paths of Yahweh are loving kindness and truth to such as keep his covenant and his testimonies. (Ps. 25:10, WEB)
But I will sing of your strength. Yes, I will sing aloud of your loving kindness in the morning. For you have been my high tower, a refuge in the day of my distress. (Ps. 59:16, WEB)
Because your loving kindness is better than life, my lips shall praise you. (Ps. 63:3, WEB)
Yahweh is merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abundant in loving kindness. (Ps. 103:8, WEB)
The Lord even showed kindness to David after he committed adultery and murder (2 Sam. 11:1-12:13; Ps. 51:1). The Law demanded a death penalty for both those sins, but in this case the Lawgiver decided to show kindness the same way He would in the future as Jesus Christ. The Lord knew that David, as a man after God’s own heart, would repent and change if given the opportunity. David got to taste the Lord’s gracious kindness even before Messiah came to earth (Ps. 34:8; 1 Pet. 2:3-4).
David’s son Solomon also recognized the importance of chesed. He wrote, “The merciful man does good to his own soul” and, “He who follows after righteousness and kindness finds life, righteousness, and honor” (Prov. 11:17; 21:2, WEB). Not only does being kind mean we’ll be good to others, but it is also good for us as well.
Don’t let kindness and truth forsake you. Bind them around your neck. Write them on the tablet of your heart. So you will find favor, and good understanding in the sight of God and man. (Prov. 3:3-4, WEB)
We need to have kindness written in our hearts to make our hearts like God’s. This happens when the Spirit of God dwells in us.
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faith, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ have crucified the flesh with its passions and lusts. If we live by the Spirit, let’s also walk by the Spirit. (Gal. 5:22-25, WEB)
God reveals Himself through His spirit (1 Cor. 2:6-16). That’s how He shares His heart and mind with us, and transforms our hearts and minds to be like His. Our “fleshiness” can get in the way of this if we’d let it, but we don’t have to. Walking in the spirit is a choice that God, in His kindness, empowers us to make. We can know Him intimately and learn His kindness just as David did.
I’ve been informally studying the Myers-Briggs® typology system for about 10 years now, but for most of that time I still felt confused about the difference between Sensing and Intuition. Though I’m usually pretty good at seeing things from other people’s perspectives as an INFJ, I’d have a hard time understanding Sensors. I had good friendships with Sensing types, and I’d protest when people in the Intuitive community spread hurtful myths about Sensors, but I got stuck explaining the exact difference between the two.
I think this is a problem that quite a few of us face. For myself and many others who I’ve talked with online, the Sensing/Intuitive dynamic is even harder to figure out than Introvert/Extrovert, Thinking/Feeling, or Judging/Perceiving. Someone who doesn’t share our S/N preference seems even less “like us” than those who don’t match on the E/I, T/F, or J/P. Our preference for Sensing or Intuition influences us, and how we relate to others, so much that most typologists say you should only date or marry someone who matches your S/N preference.
Of course, type isn’t really a good predictor of romantic happiness and many couples (including INFP Isabel Myers and her ISTJ husband) are quite happy without matching on S/N. So maybe it’s not a good idea to just assume Sensors and Intuitive can’t understand each other. Perhaps what we really need is a better grasp of the real difference between Sensing and Intuition and a commitment to using that understanding to appreciate the strengths and differences of each type. Read more →
Like An Anchor 